Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So remember, ,, for every action,,,,, there is an equal and opposite social media overreaction

   So now that oil is so cheap,,,, maybe we should start drilling for black printer ink.

   But seriously guys, ,,,, almost every time I've had cake I've eaten it, too.....................so

   The saying goes, there's someone out there for everyone. Maybe your someone is way out there, on another planet. . .

   I just deleted all the German contacts from my phone. It's now Hans free

   I'm sorry I'm so emotional bro. It came with these skinny jeans and selfie stick.

   I throw small pieces of bread at your duck face selfies

   Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't"

   "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go"

   Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism"

   "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" -

   "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"

   "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"

   By the power vested in me... I now pronounce me going to sleep

   You don't come for me. I send for you.

   I'm not saying you should hire me to be the president of your marketing team, I'm just saying there should be a bar at Toys R Us..

   actually "Deez Nutz" isn't that far away from holding up "the rear" of the pack

   You only live once is the most reassuring thing I've ever heard.

   I wonder if anyone's kids had their first day of school today?

   If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?