Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I asked if you would have my kids I didn't mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

   How much for the girlfriend? Sir that's a bottle of Vodka.

   1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   Here's an idea: When in doubt, shut your mouth.

   Politicians should be limited to two terms. One in office and one in prison.

   Going back onto work for the first time after vacation is like running into someone you once knew who you never really liked anyway.

   Your personality is a size "0" too.

   You can't call it "Doggy Style" unless you scratch behind her ears and ask, "Now who's a good girl" after you finish.

   Funny how most women are quick to sympathize and lend support and solidarity to a man wanting and pretending to be a woman but are envious, cold hearted and mean to other real women.

   Clearly the lifeguard is to blame for letting that many people into the pool. Case closed.

   Heeey, it's Tinder Tuesday! *logs in* Yep. I'm still unlovable within a 50-mile radius.

   Mr. Peanut is an aristocrat who sells dead and dry-roasted members of his own species.

   Kim and Kanye can now take baby North to visit Grandma and Tranpa!

   I think I am safe if I commit a crime that goes to trial cause no way they'll find 12 people to sit on a jury as my peers

   The worst part about buying new underwear is having to sew a sock on them every time.

   People die when women are “fine.”

   I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

   Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer.

   So happy!!! My wife just told me she wants to have sex tonight, so while she's out, I'll get some PS4 time.

   Chicken soup poured into a dinner bowl looks yummy. Chicken soup poured into a toilet bowl looks disgusting.