Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Behind every beautiful girl is the ugly relationship that made her scared to love again

   Before you knew it, the here and now was 30 yrs ago. . .

   When your surrounded by enemies the only thing to do is pull the pin on your grenade and smile!

   Pee is the enemy of sleep

   Talk to your kids about drugs. No, seriously. They have better connections.

   sees influx of duck face pics. *Unholsters NES Zapper

   Yesterday,, Someone once tried to break into my taxidermy studio,,, but I fought them off with my bear hands.

   FYI,, I'm Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad,,, but not suspicious.

   Nothing motivates me faster to clean my garage than the threat of a hail storm.

   I want to become a Human smuggler and I want my code name to be Mister Smuggleuffigus .

   There are kinds of countries. Those that use the metric system, and those that have walked on the moon

   Fantasy Football starts now. I'm sorry honey. I will talk to you after football season. Love you Jamie wallis

   I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance....by leaving the scene of the accident.

   Our Smart phones are making us Dumb!!

   My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when I was your age..” and then describing what I did 3 days ago

   My thigh gap is reserved for holding french fries while I drive.

   My girlfriend is so sweet, I decided to get another one.

   Nothing describes my love life more than watching a declawed cat trying to scratch the sofa

   I judge the quality of my Facebook posts by how often my name comes up in therapy with your shrink.

   The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of an iPhone is that I can afford the old one.