Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone's eye they never seem to like it.

   Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

   "YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" - guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

   I was in a gang once — we used to carry pocket knives & wear all green with blood-red bandanas around our neck. Wait, that was Boy Scouts.

   Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

   Hipsters are what happens when you tell every child they are special

   Only stupid, brainless and robotic idiots think education needs two layers of middle-men taking a cut out of the budget. (state + fed)

   It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

   4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

   39. If I was a woman, I'd never leave the house. Unless, of course, I was finished cleaning and had permission.

   Yogi saw a fork in the road and took it! ~ RIP Yogi

   Crying doesnt indicate that youre weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that youre alive.

   The Big Mac doesn’t look anything like the ones in the ads… Same goes with people and Facebook profile pics.

   Never give up on something you really want. It’s difficult to wait, but it’s more difficult to regret.

   I think I'm gonna start giving ugly girls the phone numbers of guys I hate.

   Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? “Well, it all started one day when your dad ‘liked’ one of my selfies.”

   Holy s$it Karma, how much longer till we’re all squared up?

   I have gotten out of bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And not ONE ab to show for it.

   Friend: Do you want to go to a strip club? Me: Maybe. Do they have Wi-Fi?

   All I'm sayin, is that I bet that divorce lawyers spent a lot of time staging electric train wrecks as kids