Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sprayed a spider with axe body spray to kill it but now its name is chad and he is f$cking all the girl spiders in my house.

   I enjoy having a full length mirror facing my bed so I can see all the sex I'm not having.

   Donald Trump is running for president. Are we on Candid Camera?

   I don't need religion to raise my offspring, I have common sense.

   In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That P ussy" wasn't a very good idea.

   "Hole of an ass you are..." ~ Yoda probably

   Having watched the entire season of a show before me doesn't make you better than me, it makes you more unemployed than me

   The next “60’s” are closer than the last “60’s”.

   HER: You smell good...what are you wearing? ME: Weed.

   My hot neighbor put a fence around her pool so I bought a trampoline.

   a blind man went to a silent movie ....

   Pro Tip: Its easy to smuggle booze into work if you put it into your stomach first.

   Geesh calm down everbody... Maybe Rachel Dozel just considers herself a "incog-negro"

   Wait NAACP: Now you're sayin that " Once you go b!ack,,, you CAN go back?"

   Cocaine so white it's head of the NAACP.

   Atheist don't hate unicorns or fairys or leprechauns because you can't hate something that isn't real. Atheist hate God because He is real.

   Men everywhere should appreciate Starbucks attempt to brainwash women into believing that grande means medium.

   I'm watching the same movie thats been on all week..."Complete Signal Loss"

   Don't mess with me. I could accelerate global warming by a decade by releasing the methane trapped in my office chair.

   So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.