Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We have a presidential election coming up... And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.

   China, China, ChinaChinaChina...I know China. <<< Donald Trump!

   *brings vuvuzela to knife fight.......... *gets stabbed by everybody on both sides

   The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.

   A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards.

   I am claiming everything ever written by Author Unknown !

   If my mom taught me anything, it’s how to day drink.

   I am woman, hear me misinterpret

   Nothing!!!!! ~ Women who are FINE

   Wearing a visor is like trying to get laid with the difficulty setting on expert.

   If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.

   I bought an L shaped couch, the sales rep said it was on sale because the L was lower case. I was ok with that.

   If the range of decrease in Blood Alcohol Content is 10-20 mg% per hour. I should be able to drive my car next Monday.

   I like how Movies will warn you "May not be suitable for all audiences". But what they really need is a "May not be suitable to watch with people who constantly ask questions about movies" rating.

   Last year my friend told me to have the best day ever, so I did. My life has gotten worse every day since then.

   If you drink enough "samples" at the liquor store, they will help you out to your car

   [first date] Why won’t you accept my moms friend request?

   Less talk, more overreaction.

   9:03. North snores as Kanye sings a lullaby. Furious, Kanye claps & she jumps awake. "You think you can fall asleep during my performance?"

   My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.