Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
←Rate | 09-28-2015 18:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's exactly like the elders described. "When the moon succumbs to the dragon..." something something what's on TV
←Rate | 09-28-2015 00:22 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
←Rate | 09-27-2015 23:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Top 3 Baby Names of 2020....1) "👌"... 2) "😜"... 3) "🚬"
←Rate | 09-27-2015 23:05 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Handjobs from girls who speak sign language are technically blowjobs
←Rate | 09-27-2015 21:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My phone autocorrected "pepperjack cheese" to "perpetual cheese" and I thought to myself "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad."
←Rate | 09-27-2015 19:57 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.
←Rate | 09-27-2015 19:31 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Hell does exist, there are so many brilliant scientists in there it is probably air-conditioned by now...
←Rate | 09-27-2015 11:12 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oh wait, Donald Trump has a bible! Lets vote for him! He is legit!
←Rate | 09-27-2015 05:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon about as thug as a box of de-clawed kittens.
←Rate | 09-27-2015 02:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not sure if everyone knows how to play the harmonica or no one knows how to play the harmonica
←Rate | 09-26-2015 19:43 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon *strums guitar.. and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat,,, Susan
←Rate | 09-26-2015 19:42 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My AT&T bill suggested that I should go paperless. Less paper=better environment. I sure Hope Charmin toilet paper doesn't say that soon!
←Rate | 09-26-2015 13:40 by E_Rock Comments (0)  


   messageicon ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...
←Rate | 09-25-2015 20:47 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.
←Rate | 09-25-2015 17:30 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets
←Rate | 09-25-2015 17:22 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Volkswagen has gotten itself into trouble for falsifying data. Apparently this is not the first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying about gas emissions.
←Rate | 09-25-2015 15:13 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Avoid disappointment, always assume you mean nothing
←Rate | 09-25-2015 14:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're trying to convince me that you don't have money, I better see at least one article of clothing from Walmart in your closet.
←Rate | 09-25-2015 13:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Please make me happy" I whisper to my prescription.
←Rate | 09-25-2015 12:54 by Czovczov Comments (0)  




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