Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1503 of 6447

The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
←Rate |
09-28-2015 18:29
Comments (0)

It's exactly like the elders described. "When the moon succumbs to the dragon..." something something what's on TV
←Rate |
09-28-2015 00:22 by snotty
Comments (0)

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
←Rate |
09-27-2015 23:41
Comments (0)

Top 3 Baby Names of 2020....1) "👌"... 2) "😜"... 3) "🚬"
←Rate |
09-27-2015 23:05 by snotty
Comments (0)

Handjobs from girls who speak sign language are technically blowjobs
←Rate |
09-27-2015 21:52
Comments (0)

My phone autocorrected "pepperjack cheese" to "perpetual cheese" and I thought to myself "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad."
←Rate |
09-27-2015 19:57 by snotty
Comments (0)

Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.
←Rate |
09-27-2015 19:31 by snotty
Comments (0)

If Hell does exist, there are so many brilliant scientists in there it is probably air-conditioned by now...
←Rate |
09-27-2015 11:12 by eengrms
Comments (0)

Oh wait, Donald Trump has a bible! Lets vote for him! He is legit!
←Rate |
09-27-2015 05:29
Comments (0)

about as thug as a box of de-clawed kittens.
←Rate |
09-27-2015 02:34
Comments (0)

Not sure if everyone knows how to play the harmonica or no one knows how to play the harmonica
←Rate |
09-26-2015 19:43 by snotty
Comments (0)

*strums guitar.. and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat,,, Susan
←Rate |
09-26-2015 19:42 by snotty
Comments (0)

My AT&T bill suggested that I should go paperless. Less paper=better environment. I sure Hope Charmin toilet paper doesn't say that soon!
←Rate |
09-26-2015 13:40 by E_Rock
Comments (0)

ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...
←Rate |
09-25-2015 20:47 by snotty
Comments (0)

Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.

Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets
←Rate |
09-25-2015 17:22 by flinnie
Comments (0)

Volkswagen has gotten itself into trouble for falsifying data. Apparently this is not the first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying about gas emissions.
←Rate |
09-25-2015 15:13
Comments (1)

Avoid disappointment, always assume you mean nothing
←Rate |
09-25-2015 14:06
Comments (0)

If you're trying to convince me that you don't have money, I better see at least one article of clothing from Walmart in your closet.
←Rate |
09-25-2015 13:25
Comments (0)

"Please make me happy" I whisper to my prescription.
←Rate |
09-25-2015 12:54 by Czovczov
Comments (0)