Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1503 of 6384
Towel-heads are at it again.
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06-26-2015 10:27
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My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft
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06-26-2015 01:35 by Czovczov
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"Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."... *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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06-25-2015 19:07 by snotty
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*parked outside a Walgreens.... "Psst, hey kids. Wanna make $5?.. Sweet... Listen, do you know what tampons are?"
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06-25-2015 19:05 by snotty
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*NASA Headquarters: Reporter- Why did you name the Mars rover Curiosity?... Scientist- The prototype killed a TON of cats.... Next question.
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06-25-2015 18:47 by snotty
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When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
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06-25-2015 18:35 by snotty
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When someone over 40 tells me they've never been married & have no kids I don’t question them…I just pat them on the back and say well done!
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06-25-2015 15:12
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I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper at the Dollar Store.
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06-25-2015 14:50
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Kindness, compassion, open mindedness, and unconditional love. That's my religion.
Just watched a guy walk down the street eating a bowl of cereal. That guy has life figured out.
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06-25-2015 14:34
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators
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06-25-2015 14:23
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This crackheads teeth look like she's been smoking firecrackers.
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06-25-2015 14:21
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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn't have said.
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06-25-2015 14:19
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I think I'll save these pain killers for when I'm feeling better.
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06-25-2015 14:18
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What time will humans be inside so I can go grocery shopping alone?
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06-25-2015 14:10
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In 200 years superstitious villagers will be sprinkling gluten over their doorways to keep soccer mums and hipsters at bay
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06-25-2015 14:08
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The mexicans said to Donald Trump "estás despedido, estúpido idiota"
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06-25-2015 13:17
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*Phone rings* "Mr. Hughes" "Yeah?" "You need to come pick your son of from school" "Awe crap, what did he do?" "Nothing, its almost midnight"
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06-25-2015 13:16
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My 13 year old daughter just lit up a cigarette at the dinner table. I've never been more furious. And she did it right in front of her kids too.
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06-25-2015 13:15
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Well son, when you were little your monther read on the internet and heard from her yoga teacher that vaccines don't work. Anyway, sorry your legs don't work.
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06-25-2015 12:21
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