Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn’t have said.

   Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail... Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn’t be done over text.

   My baby is always one year old because I welcome people's we-ird question about his age with my middle finger.

   Who said, you have to eat healthy to get in shape?

   “If you think you're somehow superior to anyone else because” you’re ugly but wealthy or you’re ugly but have higher social status “you just might be an idiot.”

   In Isl-am women grow men’s babies and men obsession is, will they be given houries -gazelle-eyed (woman)- in the end?

   If you think you're somehow superior to anyone else because of your good looks you just might be an idiot.

   My girlfriend just stormed out of an ice cream shop because they ran out of sprinkles, in case you’re wondering if I’m winning at life.

   If I liked a pic of you and your man, it doesn't mean I'm mature... It means holla at me if he acting up.

   When I get a girl I'm gonna show her off. Guys who think being sweet to their girl is lame have that childish mindstate.

   If you don't grab your girls booty at least 46 times a day, you're living life all wrong.

   When girls are mad at you, there's a typo in every word 'cuz they texting so fast.

   Most women don't even need to workout. Y'all burn enough calories jumping to conclusions.

   Sometimes you just gotta text your ex and remind them they ain't sh*t... Just in case they forgot.

   When I say 'Netflix & Chill' sometimes I mean that. Stop kissin' my neck and watch this serial killer documentary with me or get the tf out.

   If you ever see your girl smiling at her phone, she probably laughing at my posts and picturing our life together after she leaves you.

   From now on, if we text longer than a week, we better fall in love. If not, you paying my phone bill for wasting my unlimited texts.

   Don't text me after 11 pm unless you're offering me sex or bringing me food.

   If you gotta look thru someone's phone, you shouldn't be with 'em. Quit being insecure, that sh*t is unattractive.