Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Playboy doesn't show nudes. MTV doesn't play music videos. The Learning Channel makes you dumber. What happened to the world

   Playboy is dropping nudes because they're too easy to find on the internet? I had no idea. I only read the internet for the articles.

   [finally gets the car seat installed correctly] Me: Where’s the baby? Wife: In college.

   Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.

   Mike Vick has had better days in Leavenworth

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday you lazy fcuk

   Taco Bell should have pink tacos for breast cancer awareness month. Who doesn't like eating pink tacos?

   Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar, and The Martian: America has spent too much money retrieving Matt Damon. It is time to stop.

   Just asked my neighbors if they wanted to go drinking and accidentally did the blowjob hand signal.

   Today at crossfit, we had to spoon wild mountain lions.

   Where do people go when they unfriend you???... Is it a better place???

   If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?

   Whenever I'm sad, I remember that my cats most likely think I’m out hunting for them all day, and then I feel like a badass again

   With enough warning, I can be very spontaneous.

   The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

   The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

   Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.

   FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas.

   Do athletic people not know about Netflix?