Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1500 of 6446

Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
←Rate |
10-02-2015 01:01
Comments (0)

The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma.
←Rate |
10-02-2015 00:59
Comments (0)

I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
←Rate |
10-02-2015 00:58
Comments (0)

Parents,, instead of telling your child don't let the bedbugs bite, here's a crazy idea...Maybe buy your kid a new frigging mattress?
←Rate |
10-01-2015 21:22 by snotty
Comments (0)

Not sure why Amtraks slogan is not "Travel with your drugs, we won't check""
←Rate |
10-01-2015 21:16 by Zinc
Comments (0)

Instead of throwing out expired milk,, I just write "with pulp" on it and put it back in the fridge... Easy-peasy
←Rate |
10-01-2015 21:15 by snotty
Comments (0)

I always lick my lips when I see kids in public places because they need to realize their are bad people in this world
←Rate |
10-01-2015 21:14 by Zinc
Comments (0)

I want to have three kids than name them Ctrl, Alt, Delete than if they screw up I can hit them all at once. #ellen
←Rate |
10-01-2015 21:13 by Zinc
Comments (0)

Last year I asked santa for the sexiest person ever and I woke up in a box
←Rate |
10-01-2015 21:11 by Zinc
Comments (0)

I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck then go on a high speed chase becuase it will be funny to watch a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck
←Rate |
10-01-2015 21:10 by Zinc
Comments (0)

To translate Trump at the next debate,, the sign language specialist will just beat up a poor pregnant mexican woman .
←Rate |
10-01-2015 21:09 by snotty
Comments (0)

HEY EVERYBODY, did anyone remember to wake up Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong today? Please tell me someone remembered. Oh man, he's gonna be pissed
←Rate |
10-01-2015 20:59
Comments (0)

The American Airlines air hostess was so old that I offered her my seat today
←Rate |
10-01-2015 01:06
Comments (0)

I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
←Rate |
09-30-2015 22:34 by snotty
Comments (0)

I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.
←Rate |
09-30-2015 20:34 by snotty
Comments (0)

I'm so old, I remember the internet when it had no commercials. . .
←Rate |
09-30-2015 20:27 by JAB
Comments (0)

Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"
←Rate |
09-30-2015 20:25 by snotty
Comments (0)

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.
←Rate |
09-30-2015 19:00
Comments (1)

I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.
←Rate |
09-30-2015 18:41 by Aaron
Comments (0)

Hey??!! Somebody get ready to wake that guy from Green day up!!!
←Rate |
09-30-2015 15:11
Comments (2)