Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Word has it that the virgins in paradise have had enough! They ask, "What did we do to be stuck with these filthy, smelly, violent, brain-damaged jihadists?"

   Just imagine...with one touch of a button, your 5 year old could upload all your phone's photos to iCloud.

   the water on mars tastes like alien piss

   I'm not telling my new girlfriend about my vasectomy. She really wants to have a baby.

   you should make a barbecue of a rude guest.

   Never take acid with a squirell named... Hey squirell dude, what's your name? Phil? Never take acid with a squirell named Phil.

   My friends vasectomy did not keep his wife from getting pregnant apparently it just changed the color of the baby...

   If you piss your girl off, she'll tell you Goodnight at 2pm.

   Gotta grab your girls booty in public to let other guys know you bout that life.

   If you can't sleep, call your ex and harass them. They don't deserve to sleep either.

   Nobody talks on the phone anymore. If I like you, I'd rather hear your voice. Texting has made sh*t less intimate.

   Guys will never win an argument with their girl. You think you won and 3 hours later she comes back for round 2.

   If you're dating someone, you really shouldn't give a sh*t what anyone who's not in your relationship thinks about it.

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn’t have said.

   Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail... Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn’t be done over text.

   My baby is always one year old because I welcome people's we-ird question about his age with my middle finger.

   Who said, you have to eat healthy to get in shape?

   “If you think you're somehow superior to anyone else because” you’re ugly but wealthy or you’re ugly but have higher social status “you just might be an idiot.”

   In Isl-am women grow men’s babies and men obsession is, will they be given houries -gazelle-eyed (woman)- in the end?