Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
←Rate | 10-02-2015 01:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma.
←Rate | 10-02-2015 00:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
←Rate | 10-02-2015 00:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Parents,, instead of telling your child don't let the bedbugs bite, here's a crazy idea...Maybe buy your kid a new frigging mattress?
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:22 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not sure why Amtraks slogan is not "Travel with your drugs, we won't check""
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:16 by Zinc Comments (0)  


   messageicon Instead of throwing out expired milk,, I just write "with pulp" on it and put it back in the fridge... Easy-peasy
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:15 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always lick my lips when I see kids in public places because they need to realize their are bad people in this world
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:14 by Zinc Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to have three kids than name them Ctrl, Alt, Delete than if they screw up I can hit them all at once. #ellen
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:13 by Zinc Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last year I asked santa for the sexiest person ever and I woke up in a box
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:11 by Zinc Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck then go on a high speed chase becuase it will be funny to watch a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:10 by Zinc Comments (0)  


   messageicon To translate Trump at the next debate,, the sign language specialist will just beat up a poor pregnant mexican woman .
←Rate | 10-01-2015 21:09 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon HEY EVERYBODY, did anyone remember to wake up Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong today? Please tell me someone remembered. Oh man, he's gonna be pissed
←Rate | 10-01-2015 20:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The American Airlines air hostess was so old that I offered her my seat today
←Rate | 10-01-2015 01:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 22:34 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 20:34 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so old, I remember the internet when it had no commercials. . .
←Rate | 09-30-2015 20:27 by JAB Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"
←Rate | 09-30-2015 20:25 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 19:00 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.
←Rate | 09-30-2015 18:41 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey??!! Somebody get ready to wake that guy from Green day up!!!
←Rate | 09-30-2015 15:11 Comments (2)  




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