life Funny Status Messages

   All my life, I’ve lived in walk-up buildings with no elevators. Mom was right – she told me I was always going to attract stairs.

   How in the world can I make wise life choices when I still use my fingers to add, sing the alphabet to see which letter comes next and think that BBQ potato chips are actually cooked on a BBQ?

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   What if the meaning of life is written somewhere in Facebooks user service agreement no one bothered reading?

   The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life. Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

   I think I might have spent a quarter of my life just staring into the refrigerator.

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.

   The sheep lives its whole life in fear of the wolf only to be eaten by the shepherd...

   If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.

   On Facebook friends are like "My life is beautiful! Everything is so fantastic I can hardly contain myself!" But in real life when you ask them how they're doing they're like "okay"

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life? Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   Do you ever feel like you are in Season 5 of your life and the writers keep coming up the weird stuff just to keep it interesting?

   I don't understand people who update their status every 10 minutes to show their friends how exciting their life's are, which are probably not as exciting as they claim if they're staring at Facebook all the time.

   I may have done quite a number of bad things in my life... But never tagged 49 people just to get 9 likes

   Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!

   You are busy telling someone’s daughter that you can’t breathe without her... Is your family aware that you are on life support?

   Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon