Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation....

   Obama is demanding British rocker change Rebel Yell to Rainbow Yell.

   An illiterate man is a dead man walking.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day as a toast to the great life I've lived. I finish the bottle for other reasons.

   Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.

   Morning America, what are we offended by today?

   oh the good ole days when music videos were the same length as the actual song

   Sorry I took a little long to decide however it's better late than never..As of today I am also breaking up all my business relationships with ‪#‎Trump‬

   My parents told me I wasn't a planned child...That explains why my life isn't going according to plan!

   Why is Cuba now acceptable but the Dukes of Hazzard are not?

   [parents visiting] MY DAD: Looks like you got about an inch of rain. *cut to my dad looking at my bong I left on the patio table* ME: Yep.

   If you love something, let it go.... Except a dog. Or, a balloon. Or, a baby stroller. Actually, don't let anything go, that's stupid.

   I'm not sure teenagers understand that by having unproteced sex, you can catch aweful diseases. And not only kids, but STD's too!

   PRO TIP: Before you buy the house, have here sit up on the kitchen counter to make sure the height is right.

   Either I need to up my dosage or my income.

   I'm just over here slow clapping at your failures.

   Sorry for twerking in your front yard while your car got repossessed.

   my views on lesbian relationships? Preferably in HD.

   Her wedding day means no more sucking, shaving or starving!

   She said: You're certainly not the man I married. He said: Yeah. He had a much younger wife.