Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1494 of 6452

Welcome to the Dark Side,we have..........food stamps.
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10-20-2015 08:53
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses....
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10-19-2015 22:30
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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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10-19-2015 22:30
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I was driving Home when I saw a Hitch Hiker holding a sign that said, "Heaven Bound." .......... Me being the Good Samaritan that I am, drove completely out of my way ......... To hit Him ......... I'm glad I could help him On his Way.
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10-19-2015 22:28
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WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE ......... WE HAVE ...... well, I'm not sure WHAT we have actually ....... it is Very Dark in here.
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10-19-2015 22:28
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Wow ........ turns out, any Room is a Panic Room .......... when you've had 5 Cups of Coffee and a Bran Muffin!
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10-19-2015 22:15
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"And what kind of cheese do you want on that?".. My mom: "All of it?"
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10-19-2015 21:31 by snotty
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Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.
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10-19-2015 21:20 by snotty
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Before you decide to spend the rest of your life with somebody, watch them load a dishwasher.
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10-19-2015 20:58 by snotty
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We are compensating for Global Warming by leaving the caps on plastic bottles...
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10-19-2015 18:13
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See where Pistorius is released after one year to house arrest...wonder is he has to wear an ankle braclet.....
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10-19-2015 18:10 by Big D
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i hate when girls on tinder say "not looking for hook ups just friendships!" yeah and I'm on pornhub to see if the plumber is gonna fix the sink

A serial killer, that only targets couples in matching outfits.
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10-19-2015 14:12 by Psycho
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If you gonna tell me what to do, you should pay me for it. I dont do nothing for free.
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10-19-2015 11:55
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N.A.S.A. found water on Mars. Good thing they didn't find oil otherwise Mars might become the first terrorist planet.
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10-19-2015 08:05
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"You want proof that baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?" ~Jim Bouton
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10-18-2015 23:14 by Zinc
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Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon
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10-18-2015 23:09 by Zinc
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Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.
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10-18-2015 12:26
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Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear and jacket and tie and it can be formal.
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10-18-2015 02:11
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I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures
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10-17-2015 14:42
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