Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finding out Charlie Sheen tested positive for HIV is like finding out Bob Marley tested positive for marijuana.

   Hey NASA guys... Wanna be a hero? Take one of your super telescopes and turn it on Syria ...If you can find water on Mars,. we should be able to find low brained jerks anywhere...

   If there were only some way I could change my profile pic here on Facebook with minimal effort on my part and a simple click of a button that shows I support a good cause.....Someone needs to get on this.

   What's Obama's secret plan towards getting rid of ISIS in the middle East? .... Bringing them here.

   Well apparently its not Tiger Blood that Charlie Sheen has running through his veins.

   I dropped out of college after my sophomore year so I get it half marathon runners.

   Well apparently the Tiger Blood that Charlie Sheen has running through his vains came from the same hooker that Magic Johnson was boning.

   My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"

   I'm creative. *creates problems*

   Went grocery shopping hungry. Left with 3 cases of beer and a bag of pretzels.

   [being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

   a wheelchair is just grocery cart to a cannibal

   Scrolling thru my feed it looks like an advertisement for Aqua fresh toothpaste.

   Let me get this straight: The passports of the 9/11 terrorists, of those on the MH17, and of one of the Paris bombers - all survived! I don't know about you but I think it's time we started making clothes out of passports!

   The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.

   don't let her cry her way outta the argument. she's an adult. you can yell at her through the tears. be strong, bro.

   Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.

   Did someone wake up Ronda, I'm sure she had things to do today.

   Before Facebook, I used to write this stuff on slips of paper and put them in the pockets of unsold pants at Old Navy.

   We prayed for France and Lebanon now let's take a moment of silence and Pray for Ronda Rousey 🙏🏼🙏🏼