Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only we cared for African humans as much as we cared for African lions.

   Due to Tom Brady the Green Bay Packers are no longer the most hated team.

   If by big game hunter you mean "someone trying to find single game tickets to his favorite football team" then yes, I'm a big game hunter...

   *Dogs on coffee break... Comic Dog: Want to hear a joke?.. Other dogs: Okay... Comic Dog: Knock Kno.... *Other dogs ALL GO NUTS !

   Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

   The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

   One day the mail man is going to murder my family and the dog is going to be like, "Haha... who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"

   Girl at party: "So, where is your significant other". Me: "In the car charging"

   My boyfriend asked me to act like a 'naughty school girl' so I forged him a note from my mom saying I don't have to participate.

   4 out of 5 densits agree that shooting a lion is bad for the long term health of your business.

   Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.

   Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

   When I party I party hard, but I don't drink and drive. I take an ambulance.

   Everything is falling apart according to plan..

   This "In Private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. . . . . . Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.

   Accidentally used my credit card instead of my hotel pass key and now I apparently own this whole building.

   Does selling weed qualify as a joint income?

   The Dentist from the US that hunted and killed CecilTheLion,, apparently now is hunting the Scarecrow and Tin Man

   Dear Roger Goodell,, Please remember the counsel you surround yourself with should be assets not asshats....

   Well if I was going to get a disease, getting legionnaires disease sounds like I should have a handle bar mustache and monocle while drinking scotch.