Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen

   In mother Russia, Turkey shoots you for Thanksgiving

   What if stupidity was passed on in the womb and it had something to do with the am idiotic fluid.

   Vladimir Putin Is going to have Turkey for Thanksgiving for sure

   I went to Google today.... Are the Obamas going on vacation again?

   Anyone know how I can become an illegal alien? They've got some really good benefits.

   A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

   When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

   So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?

   Adele's new album should come with a coupon for Ben & Jerry's.

   ever have a large lunch and go up a cup size?

   Went to the gym this morning and was amazed by this one chicks extreme workout . She must of done at least 5- 6 reps of selfies .

   I went to the pub last night, had a shot and saw this really fat chick dancing on the table. I said to her "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

   Facebook Murphy's Law: Profile photo with two women. It's never the attractive one's timeline.

   If a man speaks in the forest and no women hears him, is he still wrong?

   This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.

   You can't fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too

   Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.

   Even if evolution is wrong, and it’s not, magic doesn't win by default. 434 Retweets 190 j'aime

   These pretzels are making me thirsty. Beer!