Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once had the best job in the world.. I'll I was mandated to do was homework and be home before the street lights.. Best benefits ever

   When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him. That's more my speed.

   It's easy to pick out Charlie Sheen's kid in school. He's the only kid who crushes and snorts his Flintstone's chewable vitamins.

   Every time I eat a powdered donut, I try not to look like I just left Charlie Sheen's house.

   If you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won't need Instagram anymore....... next question

   A good way to revoke Bill Cosby's medal of freedom would be to slip him drugs and then take it while he's unconscious...... next question

   A group of mistakes is called a life......... next question

   Why can't we $hit like dogs, I'm tired of wiping my @ss......

   Dear Wasted Drunk girls... We get it. This is your song...

   FYI ladies: I've been to fb jail twice this week. So if you're into bad boys get at me. But not tonight cause I have knitting class.

   What are people asking Meatloaf to do 'for love'?

   Just once I'd like a man to approach me at a bar and say 'come with me if you want to live'.

   A rocket launcher but for all the idiots on the highway.

   My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now.

   Sex so good that she forgets about Dre.

   And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that's where I unfollowed you.

   Thank you Facebook for options like: Block, Unfollow and Turn of chat for only some friends.

   When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

   You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.

   If your new friends calls himself 'The Wizard', there's a good chance he likes Lord of the Rings. If your new friend calls himself, 'The Grand Wizard', time to get a different new friend.