Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day..

   I'd lilke to thank my dealer for today, I'm halfway through my businesss day and haven't killed anyone. You sir are a true Hero.

   Lazy is as lazy doesn't.

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're seeing double in St Louis

   over the river and through the woods, man this Uber driver is lost

   Gross. A stranger just smiled at me.

   My greatest fear is that I'll have on dirty underwear & the emergency first responders will just leave me to die... * I blame my mom for this

   Many moons ago,,, Apparently, We had more than one moon

   Stupid autocorrect always making me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're driving through a McDonald's.

   Some people are like clouds, when they go away, the day gets brigher.

   That's ok about the cancellation,, Cuz I went on a date with a dolphin today,, Yeah, we just clicked.

   Hey Obama, get your head out of your a$$, and start protecting the American people.

   Tonights orgy is canceled guys. Jerry has diarrhea...

   I knew my Girl was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with Chelsea but Chelsea was laying right next to me. SMH

   The sweariest animal in all the world, is the hippopottymouth. Closely followed by me after a visit from the code enforcement officer

   2016 New Year's resolution: Tell your wife/girlfriend (or both) that every time they give you a BJ, you are going to put a dollar in an envelope. At the end of the year, you will use that money to buy her 2016 Christmas gift. More money = Nicer gift.

   Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik dropped their baby off with its grandmother and told her they had a doctor's appointment. I guess technically, a coronor is a doctor.

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.

   Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.