Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Avoid disappointment, always assume you mean nothing

   If you're trying to convince me that you don't have money, I better see at least one article of clothing from Walmart in your closet.

   "Please make me happy" I whisper to my prescription.

   I was devastated when I got a text from my "GF" telling me I was crap in bed.It's ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

   I don't know about you, but it's been a long week and I'm poped out.

   Seriously though, what color was that dress?

   Should we be surprised? Strange smelling smoke has been coming out of VW Kombi vans for years.

   I just realized how poor I really am...I just caught myselt turning dollar store ziplock bags inside out in the sink to wash them for re-use. :-(

   the Pope is in America with Obama and Hillary Clinton. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

   I knew the season was officially out of control when my dealer offered my pumpkin flavored crack...

   You just know the aliens' cell phones are going to be nicer than ours.

   Thre is a special place in hell for people who put ice cubes in wine.

   We've never met or spoken in person, so why should I be offended by your worthless opinion internet stranger?

   My safe word is yourhusbandishome.

   Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?

   Don’t waste your time arguing with strangers on the internet. Save that sh*t for your wife.

   310 people were killed and hundreds wounded in a stampede at the annual hajj in Saudi Arabia. What a waste of potential suicide bombers.

   *At Vision Center. Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: Well, I'd like to be able to see all of them. Ummm, that's why I'm here.

   According to WebMD, there's no cure for you're dead to me

   No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change