Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MY GOAL FOR 2016 IS JUST DO LIFE BETTER!

   athiests are awful quite Xmas morning

   Almost time for "New year the new me, 2016 is mine bull$hit. Your life sucked last year and it will suck again in 2016

   I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus; then I saw her helping him empty his sack.

   Santa came down the chimney, at half past three. W

   As much as Santa came last night I bet he will sleep for a week

   Ralphie looking at leg lamp:[narrating as Adult] "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."

   Your mum is gonna do that thing your daddy likes tonight because it's a holiday. Food for thought.

   If anyone needs help eating those cookies. Let me know.

   Sometimes you just have to let the anger guide you.

   Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

   What kind of loser good for nothing idiot supports Hillary Clinton anyway?

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for new underwear.

   Spice things up during family dinners this holiday season by slamming your wine glass down and demanding "What do you people want from me!?"

   Last time I got dumped I went to some random funeral to cry my heart out.

   As uncomfortable as silence immediately after sex.

   Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.

   My gf won’t get the remote that’s in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she’d be shopping already.

   When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!

   If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people work out and absorb the benefits for myself.