Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Children are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective,,, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

   My friend asked my advice on how to impress his date. I suggested that I go in his place.

   She says that she needs a bigger closet, but she has nothing to wear.

   If I win the Power Ball, I will buy two lbs of cheese from Whole Food.

   I have now Been Sober for 281 days.! not all in a row, Just 281 days

   I was beginning to wonder if the winter's directly before a presidential election year were all warmer than usual due these lie spuing politicians and the amount of hot air hey were expelling.

   Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it. Elephants never forget..

   Ground Control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Check ignition and may God's love be with you.

   I now have a very strange sensation that the world will end now Bowie is dead

   I'm ready to get lost on vacation somewhere Sean Penn wont even be able to find me.

   All the extra charges on my mobile bill should be called cell-fees.

   Corn is the ultimate in and out of body experience.

   The #Powerball is now at $1.4 BILLION.... That means you can finally stop putting off that billion dollar purchase you were thinking about.

   I thought David Bowie died in 1836 at the Battle of the Alamo?

   The refs in the NFL are throwing a ridiculous amount of flags these days. Pro football is now metaphorically considerd "flag football."

   I saw an ad on Craigslist that said "Radio for sale. $1 as is. Volume stuck on full." I thought "Wow! I can't turn this down!"

   Donald Trump has been running his pie hole for the last four months. And this has been one of the warmest winters in years. Coincidence?

   Sometimes I wish I had more middle fingers.

   Last year, 44 Americans were shot by ''Muslim terrorists''. By comparison, 52 Americans were shot by toddlers. Which raises the question: Why isn't the government doing more to protect us from toddlers?

   Leonardo DiCaprio just won another Golden Globe award. But it ain't no Oscar.