Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drive around me, can't you see I'm taking a selfie here?

   I cuddle on the first date.

   Remember this weekend to help your girl relax by telling her she "needs to relax."

   Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

   I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.

   *First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"

   *wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family Where's my phone?

   My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice

   I give to charity, I don't recycle my aluminum cans and just throw them in the garbage. Not one homeless person in my area.

   Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar and now The martian. How much money does America have to spend to keep saving Matt Damon's ass?

   I'm not saying Putin is humiliating president Obama but the last time a Russian treated an African American this way, Apollo Creed died...

   Never get attached to your coworkers. You might have to throw them at a deranged gunman someday

   I tried holding the door open for a woman at the coffee shop this morning but she just kept yelling "close the door, I'm trying to pee in here!!". Some people are so ungrateful

   NASA scientist sees me eating a corn chip I found in my shoe and cancels the program to stop an asteroid hitting the Earth

   (Calm announcers voice) And Here we see Flavor Flav panicking as he crosses the International Date Line

   [Price Is Right with me in contestants row].. Drew Carey: Sir what is your bid?.. Me: I don't want that.. Drew: Sir you have to bid.. Me: [leans down to mic] No thank you.

   Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.

   There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all 5 We call that one a "unicorn"

   Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

   The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma.