Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

   I'm amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I'm still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!

   Still waiting for my wife to tell me what my 2016 resolution is going to be.

   Hey New Years Rockin Eve.... WHERE"S THE ROCK????

   Last New Years I resolved to lose five pounds...I only have ten to go...

   Sorry, guys. Totally forgot to write any New Years jokes. I really dropped the ball.

   Relationship or hallucination? I don't care. Either way, I'm seeing somebody.

   I remember a time when I was overly optimistic about the great things that were to come in the new year. Well...here's to not stepping in dog siht while checking the mail in 2016.

   The way Donald Trump think everyone is a killer, its safe to believe he was a cat in previous life.

   Never break a person's heart. They one have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of those.

   This year I failed at the resolution to not procrastinate so much and I have about 11 hours and 45 minutes to make good on the rest of my 2015 resolutions!

   Although 2016 was expected, Apple has announced the coming year will only be 2015s.

   Hey 2015... Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, you Dirty Mother Fucker!!!

   Remember that episode on Cosby Show where Vanessa got drunk and was hung over..........I'm thinking Cosby did that

   Dear Young Girls, Never ever never ever take pills from anyone and not expect you may get wasted and get taken advantage of....... Just a little advice I learned on the Cosby Show!

   that moment when This morning I had call 911 on the truck with the flashing lights in behind me that passed me....turns out it wasnt a cop on the phone, its was the dispatcher.

   This morning I had call 911 on the truck with the flashing lights in behind me that passed me....turns out it wasnt a cop on the phone, its was the dispatcher.

   If I could have Superpowers, I think it would be either the ability to fly, the ability to turn myself invisible, or the ability to understand women.

   A Google Chrome add-on that allows you to remove mentions and photos of the Kardashians from your browser

   My New Year's resolution is to announce a bunch of grandiose plans & changes I want to make for the new year, but then seamlessly slide into the same destructive patterns that have kept me suppressed in a life of mediocrity for as long as I can remember.