Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend told me Alan Rickman had died. I said "You're joking?". She replied "Nope. Dead Sirius."

   Do strippers in the southern hemisphere spin around poles in the opposite direction as strippers in the northern hemisphere?

   RIP Alan Rickman! By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged!

   Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also beer. Which is why I always drink beer when I'm revenging.

   I knew I had about as much of a chance of hitting a lotto last night as getting up and running this morning. That's about the 0%.

   I just checked my account balance at an ATM and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.

   I shared the status of the power ball winner. I won!!!!! Nothing....

   Crap, only missed the Powerball by 6 numbers.

   I hope the lottery girl pulls out my balls tonight....

   Undercover Boss: Where you tell the world your boss is a moron, then he buys you a house.

   Old expression modification Notice . : .. In addition to netflix and chill, doing Coffee and Cream ;) Has been approved That is all .

   I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. All I use it for is to signal my dealer so he doesn't drive past

   I guess Paul Ryan won't be cheering for my Relay for Life team...

   There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.

   I saw my Arab neighbor shaking a rug off his back porch. I called him out "Whatsamatter, Ahmed? It won't start?"

   I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.

   Relationship Status: Hoping my street get plowed tomorrow.

   Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."

   I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...