Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

   Some things need no improving, three stooges for instsn

   It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.

   I'm thinking of going back to school and getting my PHD in bations. I already have my Masters.

   Even my dinner tasted like Monday

   The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

   Am I the only person who feels like Christmas didn't even happen?

   People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.

   how did God create day and night on day 1 but created the sun on day 4?

   My clothing style today will be sh*t I'm running late, with accessories from the sh*t its cold collection, with a hint of I don't give a sh*t.

   Drinking non-alcoholic beer is alot like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know its wrong.

   I opened up the window, and Influenza!

   Bills are like vegetables; better when you don't have any on your plate.

   To be honest, I'm just trying to look content until the next Star Wars movie comes out.

   I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into positive by consuming excessive amounts of chocolate.

   On January 25th 2006, Al Gore proclaimed we only had 10 years left to save the planet. Get ready for the end of the world in 23 days. Al Gore said it. It must be true.

   I was going to join the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but, I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

   I don't like Hot Pockets at all. But I imagine that people who like scalding the roof of their mouths while getting diarrhea all in the same day probably love them.

   When eating her from behind you know you're doing it correctly if her bhole pinches your nose closed.

   I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the 4th grade.