Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm staring at you while you're talking I'm like, "What an a-sss!"

   Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat

   I was at the super market. I bought 2 dozen eggs. I only looked stupid pushing 2 baskets. I would have been really stupid If I put all my eggs in 1 basket.

   Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally... You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".

   Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.... *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag

   FYI: The average resident in Detroit has been murdered a minimum of 6 times

   Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid

   Lawyer: In fact you did give her the pill?... Cosby: Sshoobities.... Lawyer: Come again ?....Cosby: floobity dooblities..... Lawyer:.... Cosby: Zip zop wop

   @simoncholland: Favorite part of Facebook is people believing 1.3 billion divided by 300 million = 4.3 million WHEN THERE IS A CALCULATOR ON THEIR PHONE!

   Running away is not exercise.

   Children are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective,,, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

   My friend asked my advice on how to impress his date. I suggested that I go in his place.

   She says that she needs a bigger closet, but she has nothing to wear.

   If I win the Power Ball, I will buy two lbs of cheese from Whole Food.

   I have now Been Sober for 281 days.! not all in a row, Just 281 days

   I was beginning to wonder if the winter's directly before a presidential election year were all warmer than usual due these lie spuing politicians and the amount of hot air hey were expelling.

   Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it. Elephants never forget..

   Ground Control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Check ignition and may God's love be with you.

   I now have a very strange sensation that the world will end now Bowie is dead

   I'm ready to get lost on vacation somewhere Sean Penn wont even be able to find me.