Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Take your age, don't add anything don't subtract anything. That's your age.

   I'm celebrating mlk day. I use the Ebony category on p orn hub today

   When you unlike my humanitarian posts, I think you're on the beast side, I imagine a person with an extreme antisocial disorder, say an undetected killer or with potential to be a serial killer.

   Heartache tonight. RIP Glenn Frey.

   I Was just involved in a 'Canadian standoff....' (we were each holding the door open, insisting the other go first)

   A hint to the wise, a rod to the invader.

   "I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped

   Scott Weiland, Lemmy Kilmister, David Bowie, Glenn Frey. Must be one helluva jam session going on in Heaven tonight.

   The Desperado has a Peaceful Easy Feeling in the Hotel California...R.I.P. Glenn

   The problem with "Friends with Benefits" is that the out-of-pocket costs are way too high.

   Martin Luther King would be rolling over in his grave if he knew people were trying to equate his legacy with #BlackLivesMatter felons.

   Have they invented the Sitbit yet ..its more my "fit"

   I miss the good old days before social media when adults acted like four year olds in private.

   My wife worked my a$$ off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   In a desperate attempt to get the Republican nomination and to show he would be Hillary's best foe, Dr. Ben Carson changes his last name to Gazi

   Tinder girls. "Not looking for hook ups" (best joke I've read in a while)

   Church last night talked about Jesus turning water into wine. Reminds me of when I saw some of you turn entire student loans into beer

   The Academy has eight best picture nominations this year. How do they expect me to watch them all before Oscar night? I haven't even seen Star Wars eight times yet!

   [burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

   The best way to drink decaf coffee is to throw it at somebody.