Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]

   Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy

   How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?

   My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.

   I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am just drunk.

   Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.

   *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?

   finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

   Does anyone know if oral $ex is Gluten free. Asking for a friend. . .

   If you see a grown man swinging in a playground by himself you know you're about to die.

   We always want what we can't have. In my case, it's silence.

   Once I run out of the reasons to argue that's when I'll divorce

   “We don't lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids

   Admit it, we all have that special someone we'd visit if given a tank to drive for a day

   I don't want to be friends with someone any longer. Do I lend them money, or tell them how I really feel about their spouse?

   Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

   Bernie Sanders is proof that the Vietnam war took America's Best and Brightest

   I apologize a lot for someone who is always right.

   In a final selfless gesture, Abe Vigoda will be donating his ear hair to Locks Of Love.