Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you gonna tell me what to do, you should pay me for it. I dont do nothing for free.

   N.A.S.A. found water on Mars. Good thing they didn't find oil otherwise Mars might become the first terrorist planet.

   "You want proof that baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?" ~Jim Bouton

   Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon

   Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear and jacket and tie and it can be formal.

   I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures

   What's that called when out of the blue she asks you to squeeze her cantaloupes in the grocery?

   dog pokes me with nose* *stop, it's late* (Dog looks at me with sad eyes) *ugh, ok* [sets up poker table for him and his friends]

   Last night she told me my pick up lines are lame I'm never taking advices from a bartender named Isaac on a cruise ship ever again..

   COP: Sir do you know how fast you were scrolling?

   "Imma let you finish, Lamar, but Whitney Houston had the best naked on cocaine death ever". - Kanye West

   Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help

   Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.

   The Kardashians turned Scott into an alcoholic, Lamar into a crackhead, and Bruce into a woman. I can't wait to see what they do to Kanye...

   A single male friend of mine is looking for a woman who can actually suck a golf ball through a garden hose. . .

   You never really expect to meet your soulmate in a strip club.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want them to be alive..

   Co-Worker: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No, but I know a few on Facebook.

   If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday