Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hmmmm,,, Why are long underwear like 42% crotch?

   FYI,, All I did from 1988-1994,,,, was try to get the shards of Cap'n Crunch out off the roof of my mouth

   I think all the women who don't get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

   I Google-Earthed your house...... You're out of toilet paper.

   Yeah Right,, like YOU'VE never told a screaming child in 7-11 you had a surprise for him,, reached into your pocket,, and pulled out a middle finger...

   This years summer swimsuit look is going to be a little something I like to call... busted can of biscuits.

   "You da bomb! No you da bomb!" -A compliment in America; an argument in Syria.

   We Germans are happy to help and will give any American refugee who wants to flee from the US in case Trump becomes elected president

   My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   I love your warm body. I love the way you smell, taste. The way you wake me up inside. Coffee

   When all the women of twitter's periods finally synch, the world is over.

   Only cheaters vote for Hillary

   So Sarah Palin is endorsing Donald Trump. This just gets better and better doesn't it?

   OK. So who else has a wife who says "Honey, will you taste this milk to see if it isn't spoiled?"

   It puts the lotion on its skin,, or it gets the eczema again.

   "Canadians are so polite" - people who have obviously never been to Canada

   Why are rat traps in the car-care section of this Walmart supermarket? Plenty to catch if they set it at the front of the store..

   Keep in mind that: 🍟 fries 🍔 burger 🍕 pizza 🍝 spaghetti 🍩 donut 🍦 ice cream 🎂 cake 🍫 chocolates will never break your ❤

   The date I had last night didn't go very well. She called me immature. But its okay. She has cooties anyway. :-P

   If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.