Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey people who actaully spend money on selfie sticks; since you like buying dumb sh*t, I am also selling ...

   it safe to snort coffee grinds? Asking for a friend..

   I'd like a boob job. Like, a job where I just look at boobs all day.

   When your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, your pants are tucked into your shirt. Think about it.

   Bring back cheap smokes and the stubby bottle, there's a Trudeau driving Canada again

   A woman told me that I was right today. Did hell finally freeze over?

   Avoiding responsibility one bottle of vodka at a time.

   Welcome to the Dark Side,we have..........food stamps.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses....

   Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

   I was driving Home when I saw a Hitch Hiker holding a sign that said, "Heaven Bound." .......... Me being the Good Samaritan that I am, drove completely out of my way ......... To hit Him ......... I'm glad I could help him On his Way.

   WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE ......... WE HAVE ...... well, I'm not sure WHAT we have actually ....... it is Very Dark in here.

   Wow ........ turns out, any Room is a Panic Room .......... when you've had 5 Cups of Coffee and a Bran Muffin!

   "And what kind of cheese do you want on that?".. My mom: "All of it?"

   Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.

   Before you decide to spend the rest of your life with somebody, watch them load a dishwasher.

   We are compensating for Global Warming by leaving the caps on plastic bottles...

   See where Pistorius is released after one year to house arrest...wonder is he has to wear an ankle braclet.....

   i hate when girls on tinder say "not looking for hook ups just friendships!" yeah and I'm on pornhub to see if the plumber is gonna fix the sink

   A serial killer, that only targets couples in matching outfits.