Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My legs have decided to take part in 'no shave November'... By the looks of things they started in September.

   I may not be great in bed, but I should at least get a participation medal after sex.

   I am not saying she is ugly but if she had kids, I wouldn't want one of her puppies

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now

   It’s nice how your Selfies accentuate your instability.

   It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport

   He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

   Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

   Bruce Jenner is Woman of the Year? That is great and all, real news would be when Obama becomes a a man against Putin...

   Are you single? No I am Album.

   If Hooters delivered would they be called Knockers?

   9 minutes ago Should I buy halloween candy or pay off my mortgage?

   I will judge you based on what your teen-aged daughter wears on Halloween

   Here's hoping that the new Star Wars trailer results in the Princess Leia metal binki costume trend coming back.

   For Halloween I'm going as a mom who sends her kids up to strangers' houses to beg for candy while she stands in the street drinking a beer.

   I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman's purse.

   Pro tip: If you really want to freak people out wear a Santa Claus suit as your Halloween

   When you're dead, you don't know you're dead and it's only painful and difficult for others. The same thing applies to when you're stupid...

   Crap, my Giga Pet just died.