Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Admit it, we all have that special someone we'd visit if given a tank to drive for a day

   I don't want to be friends with someone any longer. Do I lend them money, or tell them how I really feel about their spouse?

   Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

   Bernie Sanders is proof that the Vietnam war took America's Best and Brightest

   I apologize a lot for someone who is always right.

   In a final selfless gesture, Abe Vigoda will be donating his ear hair to Locks Of Love.

   [knights of the wobbly table].... "Can we get some more napkins over here?"

   MARY: I'm worried Joe,, I found 4 bottles of wine in his room... JOSEPH: They were just water when he went in there, I'll have a talk with him.... *from upstairs* YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

   [dog on trial for murder]... Lawyer: Who's a good boy?... Dog: I am... Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case....

   Does Dunkin Donuts make a body spray?... *Asking for a friend..

   Bernie Sanders says feel the Bern but it's really Bengay

   Did Bernie Sanders wander off from the nursing home again?

   Martin Sheen would be the best President, let's all vote him in.

   I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.

   Hillary : I think it's time for a woman in the Oval Office. Bill: To late.

   My cat probably thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream...

   Thankfully, my Guardian Angel gets Hazardous Duty pay.

   People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

   If you would vote for Hillary Clinton, it's only obvious that you are in a long distance relationship with reality.