Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever become senile,, I just want to be as oblivious as people who respond seriously to humorous rhetorical questions on FB.

   A good way to handle when your kid asks, "Mom, what happens to me after I die?".. is to pull out a trombone and play "waa waaaa" in his face.

   My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him.

   Trump is like the Charlie Sheen of the political world .... WINNING!

   Why do I have to press "ONE" for English, when they just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?!?!

   You're a true 90's kid if you heard, "Get off the internet....I need to use the phone."

   I truly believe that if we'd met at a different place, at a different time, under different circumstances....You'd still be an a$$hole!

   "Sorry, your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin."

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner, than a lying hypocrite.

   Everytime I hear Bohemian Rhapsody, head banging is a required element.

   The police want to interview me. Strange....I didn't even apply for a job there.

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me out of the club.

   Life should be more like ice hockey. When someone ticks you off, you can beat the living daylights out of them then sit in the Penalty Box for 5 minutes.

   14,000 people are having sex right now. 25,000 are kissing. 50,000 are hugging. And you....we'll you're reading this.

   I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow you can't really see." No way, I don't take a random person's wheelchair and say "Wow you really can't walk."

   Science: Ruining everything since 1543.

   City girls slip & slide, Country girls grip & ride....

   How To Have Rodeo Sex: 1. Mount girlfriend from behind. 2. Tell her you think her sister is HOT. 3. Hold on!

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.

   It's very hard to make friends as an adult because once you're an adult you've realized you hate everyone.