Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What you never hear if you live in Santa Clarita.."I'll be back in a few minutes"

   My GPS says "Estimated time of Arrival." I see "Time to Beat." Game on.

   POF should change its name to POS

   Relationship status: wakes up next to an empty bottle of vodka.

   I'm just looking for a little love and financial domination. Is that too much to ask?

   Back in the day 8 bullets couldn't kill a brotha ... Now it takes 16... #thanks50cents

   Just landed my dream job of "before" picture!!!

   Women are always right...even the left handed ones.

   When people ask why do I NEED a 30-round magazine for my gun, I say "Why did Rosa Parks NEED to sit at the front of the bus?" Because she had a right to do so. That's why.

   Someone needs to invent a filter that blocks ALL content if it contains certain words: my three words would be: Kardashian, candidate, Bieber.

   The "Reply All" button should be password protected...and you should have to answer a simple math question...and be required to name the Vice President. There...THAT should solve THAT problem.

   Kanye and Kim's kid will be 1/2 huge a$$, and 1/2 huge a$$.

   Hey kids, know what's harder than graduating from college? Busting your a$$ for $hit wages the rest of your life...

   Have as much sex as possible while you're still single. You can abstain when you get married.

   Nothing says I hate you like giving someone a selfie stick as a birthday present.

   I would not even buy my worst enemy a selfie stick for christmas present. I am not that cold.

   I just saw a lady texting while driving. Do women have any idea how dangerous that is for the rest of us? Not the texting part, just them driving in general.

   Guns don't kill people. Husbands that come home early do

   Every Christmas I give my co-workers a card with a picture of my middle finger inside.

   Wonder how much longer humans will continue playing make believe?