Funny Status Messages

   My Hobbies: 1) Switching between the same three apps for hours. 2) Not speaking to anyone for days at a time. 3) Listening to the same songs I always have listened to for the last 20 years. 4) Imagining myself in situations that will literally never exist

   Apparently "just f*ck me up" is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks.

   Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

   When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no. Not all this "Who are you, and how did you get in here?" nonsense.

   Ted Cruz is being accused of Bad Lip reading on a Youtube channel, so let's see him battle it out on Lip Sync Battle.

   Samsung Galaxy S7 is a water-resistant smart phone which features a 'Charging Warning" when wet. If you want a better way to electrocute yourself, there's always throwing a toaster in a bathtub option!

   Apparently it's against the law in Janesville, Wisconsin, to commit lewd acts in a Kwik Trip store. Please take note.

   Uber: Our drivers will use fake vomit to charge passengers for cleaning fees.

   Bernie Sanders got so excited about the hashtag #BoobsForBernie, it's actually a photo of a breastfeeding mother at one of his rallies. Not a Girls Gone Wild Spring Break edition video.

   Women: So glad the weekend is finally here so I can wash the dishes, mop the floors, clean the toilets, dust the furniture and do the laundry! YAYNESS!!!

   America is so progressive that 8 years after electing their first black President, it's going to elect it's first orange one. I guess Netflix is right, Orange is the New Black.

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a Vegan the head can continue talking about being a Vegan for 8 minutes before it dies?

   The first rule of Low Self-Esteem Club is: I'm Running a test to see who really reads my wall... If you do , please leave one word response...

   Lets call SELFIES what they really are; ALONIES

   The most useless place to be is in someone's prayers.

   Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.

   When you say, "Friends With Benefits"....I assume you own a liquor store.

   There are so many dogs on the internet that we forget about newborn alpacas....

   If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are drowning and you can save just one, what kind of cupcakes are you baking?