Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanksgiving is almost 8 months away. That'll give me some time to prepare for that dry azz turkey dinner.

   If the first person who said: As god is my witness he should strike me down with a bolt of lightning actually got struck, there'd be a lot of dead people in the world for lying or a very lot of honest people. . . So where is this god you speak of.

   Your candy bowl on your desk is the only reason why I come into work on Mondays.

   To stay healthy this April, I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury creme eggs.

   Canadian Official Opposition Leader "lists" her house on Airbnb to help Canada's deficit. America wishes more Republicans in Washington would do that than always complaining about Obama's agenda.

   All your shirts claim that you "live to ride"....however, the odometer on your bike parked in your garage determined that was a lie.

   Coworkers, let me know if you'd like to join me for lunch at my desk eating discounted Easter chocolate.

   I think even the IRS are starting to feel sad about how long I've been single for.

   I can't wait to get my tax return this year so I can afford a much better accountant.

   My plus-one for all weddings is the bartender at your wedding.

   Sorry coworkers, I can never attend Happy Hour with you because I'm too honest when I drink.

   Perfect Pickup Line For April: "I want to do to your body what the IRS does to your income."

   I played an April Fool's joke on my landlord by not paying rent....I am wondering if this eviction notice is the real deal.

   Oh I so enjoy reading on weekend nights on things that I could have been doing.

   If I ever use "there" instead of "their" and "your" instead of "you're" in the same joke here, I've been kidnapped and am signalling for help....

   Some people think they are champagne in a tall glass, when in actual fact they're luke warm piss in a red plastic cup.

   Duct tape can't fix stupid Hillary Clinton supporters, but it can muffle the sound.

   It took dozens and dozens of flushes, but my guinea pig's funeral is finally over.

   The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

   I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans. I asked if any of them had papers and the all ran away.