Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cuddling, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets an erection....

   Almost every hand you shake has touched a man's genitals. Think about that for a second.

   My safe word is "Will you marry me?"

   My neighbor OD'd on Viagra. His wife took it really hard

   Nothing's says I'm guilty of every crime imaginable quite like using your blinker to pull into your driveway...

   I promise I didn't have sexual relations with Monika

   how are those refugees in Europe working out for you

   Clinton says "How high do you have to build a wall to keep out the internet?" I don't think she understands how the internet works, which is why she got in trouble with her emails.

   I suffer from a rare condition known as Aibohphobia, which is an unreasonable fear of palindromes.

   I'd call you a p*ssy, but you don't have the depth or the warmth to live up to it.

   Clinton says "How high do you have to build a wall to keep out the internet?" She's nuts comparing the internet to illegal immigrants. God help us.

   As an Easter present, wrap grapes in color foil and send a basket of them to the IRS.

   Easter Pro Tip: Wrap up grapes in color foil and give them away as chocolate eggs to your family and friends.

   Or you could just reword a meme we all saw.

   "Mannekin Pis on your bombs": an unlikely statue is now an icon of Belgian defiance.

   the Republican Presidential race sounds as substantial as Keeping up with the Kardashians.

   Then stop blaming all gun owners for the actions of one.

   I ate too much Taco Bell......and ended up Islaming in my pants.

   Thanks for the fecking blockbusters gift card granma.

   Don't forget to judge others on the circumstances they can't control today.