Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1347 of 6384
I didn't see a friend's day video of Ross, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, & Chandler
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02-06-2016 04:17 by Eddy
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When someone thanks I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but really I'm just thinking about tacos.
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02-06-2016 04:13
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This Valentines Day I want a girl who cares about her health, but not her sobriety. Like, she does yoga, but her water bottle is usually full of vodka.
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02-06-2016 04:09
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People should never judge Lance Armstrong for being on drugs in the Tour de France races, when other drug addicts have a harder time finding their own bike.
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02-06-2016 04:02
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Employers at job interviews: We're looking for someone age 22-26 with 30 years of experience.
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02-06-2016 01:43
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In a decade the economy will be like 23 trillionaires and everyone else will be taking turns giving Uber rides.
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02-06-2016 01:41
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Did you know the bathroom is where 99% of Instagram lurking is done...
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02-06-2016 01:37
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Sometimes I fantasize about being a Golden Retriever in an upper class family.
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02-06-2016 01:33
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It takes me a while to warm up to new people but I will kiss a dog I just met on the mouth.
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02-06-2016 01:31
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"Growing Up With Siblings" means taking the TV remote into the kitchen while you get some food so that they don't change the channel.
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02-06-2016 01:29
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Life as a college student at the bar....give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.
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02-06-2016 01:26
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Nothing says, "My Balls are kept in a jar inside her purse", quite like a Joint Facebook Account.
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02-06-2016 01:23
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Just heard a guy at the park tell his dog "NO!!!" and then more in a whisper, " We already talked about this!!!"
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02-06-2016 01:21
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"They're like, 12" -- The correct way to refer to anyone younger than you.
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02-06-2016 01:15
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Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.
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02-06-2016 01:13
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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
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02-06-2016 01:12
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Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her.
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02-06-2016 01:09
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In the shower: 2% washing, 8% singing, 90% winning fake arguments.
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02-06-2016 01:04
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Good to see Brian Williams is back on TV, he is now competing with late night infomercials.
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02-06-2016 00:45
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Bernie Sanders talks a lot of about free government programs, he's just wondering who will pay for his medications?
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02-06-2016 00:41
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