Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just walked into a public restroom. Seriously? What angle does one have to be to achieve that particular splatter pattern?

   Time Management training? I can't go to that. I'm too busy!

   Every time I change my mind, I always have parts left over. Who needs a medulla oblongata, anyway?

   ... Finally made it to that great part of the relationship where I can now fart and drink beer on the couch and she only gives me a dirty look ..... instead of running out of the room screeming! Life is good :-)

   Ever feel like whatever TV show you're binging at the moment becomes your baseline for reality?

   Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely women dancing in a circle pretending to be happy.

   Everyday, thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Everyday. thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Cute Things To Call Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend On Valentines Day: 1. Sugar. 2. Honey. 3. Flour. 4. Egg. 5. 1/2lb Butter. 6. Stir. 7. Pour Into Pan. 8. Preheat To 350 Degrees.

   I'd like to give a shout out to Amy Winehouse, who's been drug free for nearly 5 years.

   Valentines: Pros and Cons for dating someone.... Con: I'm an a$$hole. Pro: I'm Your a$$hole.

   Just saw two construction workers sitting together and laughing. I know what they're building: Friendship.

   I bet it's super hard being a single Mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's stuck in the sink.

   You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's in the sink.

   Current Relationship Status: Sleeping diagonally across the Queen size bed.

   Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.

   Monday mornings: I am learning to trust the journey, wait a sec...where is my freaking coffee?!?!

   This is 2016. How come I can't email someone a fart when I feel like it?