Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.

   I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.

   No one wished me a Happy Birthday today. But then, today isn't my birthday either.

   If the family dog could talk right now he would probably say,. Lets eat everything in the house.

   North Korea is shaking some big balls at the United States, though they're most likely photoshopped !

   Nobody ever got their balls stuck in a buttonhole......jus sayin

   Dear annoying stalker,. Thanks for the confidence boost. Sincerely, keep it up.

   English Lesson: Allow me to put my dangling participle in your dipthong.

   Thanksgiving is almost 8 months away. That'll give me some time to prepare for that dry azz turkey dinner.

   If the first person who said: As god is my witness he should strike me down with a bolt of lightning actually got struck, there'd be a lot of dead people in the world for lying or a very lot of honest people. . . So where is this god you speak of.

   Your candy bowl on your desk is the only reason why I come into work on Mondays.

   To stay healthy this April, I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury creme eggs.

   Canadian Official Opposition Leader "lists" her house on Airbnb to help Canada's deficit. America wishes more Republicans in Washington would do that than always complaining about Obama's agenda.

   All your shirts claim that you "live to ride"....however, the odometer on your bike parked in your garage determined that was a lie.

   Coworkers, let me know if you'd like to join me for lunch at my desk eating discounted Easter chocolate.

   I think even the IRS are starting to feel sad about how long I've been single for.

   I can't wait to get my tax return this year so I can afford a much better accountant.

   My plus-one for all weddings is the bartender at your wedding.

   Sorry coworkers, I can never attend Happy Hour with you because I'm too honest when I drink.

   Perfect Pickup Line For April: "I want to do to your body what the IRS does to your income."