Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

   "Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas!!!

   Dear Alcohol, we had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

   Instead of making laws out of fear that trans women are just men trying to sexually harm women, we should convict the men that are actually harming women.

   Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.

   Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house, and get a job? ...... LORD,, we were dumb.

   I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

   I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

   I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.

   The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.

   People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

   I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season.

   Does anyone know if you can declare Congress and the Senate as dependents when filing taxes?

   I remember when a minimum wage job was a stepping stone, not a career.

   Love the share your memories. Hey, I deleted that stupid f#cking comment of yours from four years ago. Do you have a guilty conscience.. lol. . .

   Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "the Sheepdog", as it rounds em up and points them in the right direction.

   Although I love food, I don't consider myself to be a "Foodie." I'm more along the lines of a glutton.