Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.

   1944: 18-year-olds storm beaches, jump from planes, charge into almost certain death. 2016: 18-year-olds need a safe place. Because words do hurt.

   I was like, "Whoa, taco-flavored yogurt"....

   There has never been a saying more true in my life: You are not a third wheel! You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.

   I'm not saying kill all stupid people. I'm saying remove all warning labels from everything. The problem should sort itself out.

   Women won't date a guy that still lives with his Mom, but will date a guy thats still lives with his wife = But that's none of my business.

   I'm always weirdly proud when my pee is clear. Like, hell ya, I'm so damn hydrated.

   It was the home of Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of The Lambs." Now, nobody wants to live there. Heck, I wonder why....

   I just heard that Bernie beat Hillary. This is getting out of hand! At least Donald Trump doesn't beat women!

   Looks like Hillary got Berned in New Hampshire.

   Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

   Congrats again to Peyton Manning. I just hope it doesn't go to his forehead.

   I came home from the gym this morning staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.

   Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

   My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.

   It's almost Valentines Day and I still don't know what to get myself yet.

   Success is 1% inspiration 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.

   Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich

   Relationship status: Looking for a good woman to stand up to my mom for me.

   Just walked into a public restroom. Seriously? What angle does one have to be to achieve that particular splatter pattern?