Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Please sir, I have a family." - Waiter pleads as he continues to grate cheese onto your plate in a dark empty restaurant, hours after close.

   I like to believe that somewhere out there the British Lindsay Lohan (from the Parent Trap movie) has managed to live a more stable life.

   Interesting Fact: 87% of people are happily single because they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.

   Attention Ladies: A male marathon runner takes a mid-race break for a burrito and beer, sure sounds like a perfect guy to date.

   I love eating ice soup the day before every pay day.

   If you call your boyfriend/girlfriend "bae" one more time, I hope a deer kicks you in the genitals.

   When a woman carries a keg of beer over her shoulder, never question your relationship status....yep she's a keeper!!!

   Everytime I see a mattress on a car, I always think it's a prostitute making a house call.

   Judging people by their race and sex is wrong, I wish you privileged white males would get that!

   Anything can be toilet paper if you're brave enough

   Oh man, all nation are drunk crazies.

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   After all the eating I have done this winter, I am happy to report my flip-flops still fit.

   If the right to vote was taken away from anyone convicted of a fenoly we would never have another democrat president again.

   snapchat is creating it's own brand of human beings separate from the rest of us, people who think dog filters and squished faces are cool

   I may be mean but at least I use my fcuking blinker.

   Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.

   I really think that our Presidential Election is going to be decided by a "Yo Momma" competition on Comedy Central.

   My thoughts are with all of the crooks, fraudsters, politicians, super rich elite, celebrities and athletes during these difficult times. #PanamaLeaks

   No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.