Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Oh no, Ben Affleck is now trending, what superhero did he get cast for now?
←Rate | 06-23-2016 18:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Scots love me and I love those haggis smelling weirdos who wear those little girlie skirts!" -Trump, eventually, during his Scotland trip.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 18:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apparently answering "Dust!!" when your partner asked what's on the TV wasn't the correct answer.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 18:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Paul Ryan prefers sit-ups, not sit-ins. Now now Democrats, I'm in my zone.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 18:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Found Dory in my fish burger today, she was delicious.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 18:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 16:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 16:32 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: Waiter, we're in a hurry. Will those hot dogs be long? Waiter: about a foot sir. me: (heavy sigh)
←Rate | 06-23-2016 14:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon .... After watching the so called "Sit-In" on the House Floor at the Capitol ... I now realize why they need to have those "Warning: Do not Enter" and "Please don't throw children at the animals" ... signs at the Dangerous Animal exhibits at the zoo.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 14:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 12:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 10:54 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
←Rate | 06-23-2016 06:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 05:46 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 05:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 05:39 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 05:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All I am saying is if Donald Trump was really a friend of the Gay people, one of them would have fixed his wig and makeup by now.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 00:16 by Baddie Comments (2)  


   messageicon Dad Tip #31: Carpeting can help dampen the sound of noisy children. Especially if you roll them up in it.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 23:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Donald Trump's spokesperson, Katrina Pierson, is now comparing him to Walt Disney and Henry Ford. Two of the most famous Nazi sympathizers.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 23:54 Comments (1)  


   messageicon GOP congressman moves to block Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, suggests Paula Deen replace her instead.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 23:51 Comments (0)  




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