Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1261 of 6446

Oh no, Ben Affleck is now trending, what superhero did he get cast for now?
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06-23-2016 18:29
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"Scots love me and I love those haggis smelling weirdos who wear those little girlie skirts!" -Trump, eventually, during his Scotland trip.
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06-23-2016 18:27
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Apparently answering "Dust!!" when your partner asked what's on the TV wasn't the correct answer.
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06-23-2016 18:24
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Paul Ryan prefers sit-ups, not sit-ins. Now now Democrats, I'm in my zone.
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06-23-2016 18:18
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Found Dory in my fish burger today, she was delicious.
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06-23-2016 18:12
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Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.
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06-23-2016 16:57
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Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

me: Waiter, we're in a hurry. Will those hot dogs be long? Waiter: about a foot sir. me: (heavy sigh)
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06-23-2016 14:45
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.... After watching the so called "Sit-In" on the House Floor at the Capitol ... I now realize why they need to have those "Warning: Do not Enter" and "Please don't throw children at the animals" ... signs at the Dangerous Animal exhibits at the zoo.
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06-23-2016 14:13
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Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
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06-23-2016 12:18
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You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.

Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
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06-23-2016 06:07
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I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.

When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.
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06-23-2016 05:41
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I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.
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06-23-2016 05:10
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All I am saying is if Donald Trump was really a friend of the Gay people, one of them would have fixed his wig and makeup by now.
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06-23-2016 00:16 by Baddie
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Dad Tip #31: Carpeting can help dampen the sound of noisy children. Especially if you roll them up in it.
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06-22-2016 23:56
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Donald Trump's spokesperson, Katrina Pierson, is now comparing him to Walt Disney and Henry Ford. Two of the most famous Nazi sympathizers.
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06-22-2016 23:54
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GOP congressman moves to block Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, suggests Paula Deen replace her instead.
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06-22-2016 23:51
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