Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 1137 of 6446

   messageicon Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....
←Rate | 09-24-2016 14:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some girl just asked me if she's wearing too much make-up. I told her that depends on whether she's trying to kill Batman or not.
←Rate | 09-24-2016 11:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do we lazy people go to hell OR do they send someone to pick us up?
←Rate | 09-24-2016 11:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's not called looting under this administration. . .we are calling it revenge shopping
←Rate | 09-24-2016 06:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In this day of age of lawsuits and political correctness it is wise to add "Allegedly" at the end of any accusations you make.
←Rate | 09-23-2016 17:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 2 boys are so energetic so I asked them when is the best time to setup the trampoline. One of them replied"Spring-time".
←Rate | 09-23-2016 17:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon America doesn't have a gun problem, America has an idiot problem.
←Rate | 09-23-2016 17:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....
←Rate | 09-23-2016 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My elderly neighbor tried to buy something online yesterday. ... anyone know how to get a credit card out of a disc drive ?
←Rate | 09-23-2016 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A friend took Ambien to help her sleep. She had the side effect of doing things without realizing it. She ate an entire blueberry pie and didn't know it. Now I don't know about you, but if I eat an entire blueberry pie, I wanna know it.
←Rate | 09-23-2016 15:32 by Mickey Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just canceled my plans for a mini-vacation to Charlotte to do some shopping.
←Rate | 09-23-2016 15:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's not called "Looting" .... Under this administration's politically correct policies .... it's called "Undocumented Shopping"
←Rate | 09-23-2016 13:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
←Rate | 09-23-2016 09:48 by thejoke.cafe Comments (0)  


   messageicon FYI....If you are one of those who like the strong silent type....then you're gonna just love my farts!!
←Rate | 09-23-2016 05:10 by guest-TJ Comments (0)  


   messageicon My father taught me that Respect was something that had to be earned ..... So I'm still trying to figure out how looting and burning other peoples stuff is supposed to build respect for your cause.
←Rate | 09-22-2016 23:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....
←Rate | 09-22-2016 20:00 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon ... Rule #1: The Police Officer is ALWAYS Right. ..... Rule #2: If the Police Officer is ever Wrong, refer to Rule #1
←Rate | 09-22-2016 18:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Chris Hansen walks out at the end of Willy Wonka and starts asking questions about luring children with candy.
←Rate | 09-22-2016 16:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Facebook suggested I join a Skeeball league. That's something where it'd be sad if you were already good. "Yep, I hang out in mall arcades a lot."
←Rate | 09-22-2016 16:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The flight attendant said put on my mask first before helping others. No problem. The guy next to me is shoeless so I want him dead.
←Rate | 09-22-2016 16:14 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left