Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."

   Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.

   "Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.

   My son always has a stuffed banana with him and I'm worried this is how hacky comics get their start. Should I introduce him to drugs now?

   What sounds better, "working through things" or "soul as black as the depths of the ocean"? I really need to get my Craigslist ad right.

   I'm pretty sure the devil and the angel on my shoulders are secretly f**king.

   'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'

   I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions.

   If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.

   Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.

   If I had a bowl of Tic Tacs and told you that Donald Trump used them so he was ready to kiss women without their permission would you vomit?

   Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

   Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.

   At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.

   Hmmmmmm ..... One says nasty words ........ The other does Nasty things. I wonder which one would hurt you most.

   hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that

   I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.

   ..... This is really weird .... For some strange reason ..... every time I pick up my Cat I end up thinking about Donald Trump.

   hope the next presidential debate starts with a handshake, instead of Trump grabbing Hillary by.........

   My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.