Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's hotter than a cup of McDonald's coffee in an old lady's crotch today.

   Women that wear blue eyeshadow have a Motel 6 shower cap in their purse.

   Did you know that women named Laverne can give you a blow job with or without teeth.

   It's not you, it's you not having air conditioning.....

   Bet those two guys that hang out at Sonic have breath that smells like pickles, onions, and genitals.

   Spoiler Alert!!! If you're reading this, you're a huge part of the problem.

   Just found a scary-looking Pokemon on my living room sofa, but then I realized it was my mother-in-law.

   Remember kids, with that Bachelors Degree you can run the fry machine, but with a Masters you can start as Assistant Manager.

   Quick Question: How can I protect my family online without the gun emoji?

   If you can't make it down to Rio and want to get the authentic Olympic diving experience, just stick your head in a Porta Potty.

   The joys of a relationship include waiting for them to fall asleep so you can have some me time.

   If you're not my friend, click like then copy and paste this on your timeline. If we're truly friends, do nothing. I'd never insult your intelligence with such a ridiculous command.

   Miss Teen USA Karlie Hay says using racial slurs online was a "careless mistake." And promises to only use them privately from now on.

   I think I just caught Scott Stapp on Pokemon Go.

   Instead of Olympic Gold, Silver or Bronze medals, winners receive copies of a Purple Heart made in China. Losers are fired.

   "Thank God we all have such insanely uninformed political opinions and tons of social media platforms on which to post them." -America

   Just lost 15 pounds which subsequently is how much my hopes and dreams weighed.

   I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.

   Single woman, 29, into parachuting, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

   Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"