Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …

   Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.

   Glad Kim K is ok, heard the whole thing was a mix up, the robbers car broke down and they thought she could hook them up with a Tranny

   50% of Trump supporters are Deplorable, BUT 50% of Hillary supporters are DEPORTABLE !

   I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing....

   Welcome to Twitter if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine, one will be assigned to you....

   Too old for snapchat and too young for Life Alert.

   I'm starting to think Trump vs Hillary is because someone went back in time and stepped on a butterfly, and know where living in a future that was never meant to be

   Surprised Kim didn't snapchat the whole Rob thing....:P

   Please remember that daylight savings is in one month so you can complain about it on Facebook.

   Only recently found out that those fold out tables in the men's restrooms are for changing babies and not for napping.

   You want to seduce me? Try a little Wicked Game by Chris Isaak.

   Plan a romantic evening but instead of rose petals sprinkle a path of grated cheese to the bedroom.

   Legally only qualifies as a hootenanny if it takes place in Kentucky or West Virginia.

   I think it's wrong that only one company makes the board game "Monopoly."

   "I bet Lionel Richie was easy every damn day..." And other thoughts that keep me awake at night.

   I'd rather watch a murderous horror flick than your wedding video.

   People who say "only God can judge me" don't know how Twitter trolls work.

   Just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I'll be your baby's godmother.

   Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin....no matter how epic it is.