Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Truly having the 'heart of a child' will lead you to a toothless life of homelessness.

   If you want to recruit people to do whatever you tell them, get the ones eating fast food seafood.

   Status: Took vitamins in place of working out today.

   Donating blood again today. To my face. From my nose.

   Putting broccoli between two slices of bread isn't a sandwich. It's an act of violence.

   The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.

   If the IRS gave you the option to fight a bear to absolve your taxes I would at least take a week to think about it.

   Living in New York City is having constant road rage even though you don't own a car.

   Just flew in, and boy are my arms tired from punching the reclined seat in front of me.

   I'm living off PB&J's so I think I accomplished the whole "be forever young" thing.

   If you want to save money on a personal trainer, meet a girl who will break your heart.

   90's road comics can now breathe a sigh of relief that their Clinton jokes are relevant again.

   Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

   After Trump Implodes: Twitter will become so boring, all we'll have is Kardashian/Swift feuds.

   Imagine the amount of money that could be raised if George Zimmerman volunteered to be the guy sitting on the dunk tank.

   Don't Tell The Kids #3: But the dog isn't currently living on a farm.

   Light a man a fire he's warm for a day. Light a man on fire he's warm for the rest of his life.

   Either guys really do get a period once a month or they are making commercials way more heart wrenching. Why are my thighs so fat?

   Since Rio de Janeiro is south of the equator, aren't we technically watching the Winter Olympics?

   [inventor of the piano] Tables are too quiet.