Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.

   Apparently you will need a firearm license before purchasing the Note 7 replacement

   Boss makes a dollar, while I make a dime. That's why I poop, on company time.

   If Hillary were President, she would be all, I am sorry, I am not sorry, I am sorry, I am not sorry, I am sorry, I am not sorry, What the hell, I am PMS'n leave me the f#ck alone. . .

   Meanwhile the Kardashians are busy corrupting our young girls more than Trump and the Clintons put together. We need to take back some moral code in this country before it's too late...

   I sprained a finger when I saw a post that said "unfriend me if you don't support Clinton", I couldn't click fast enough.

   I walked in on my son flushing handfuls of Skittles down the toilet "OMG! Check this out Dad!" He said excitedly "It's just like watching NASCAR at Bristol!"

   I watched some of the debate last night...I kept on waiting for someone to say "Live from New York it's Saturday Nite"!!!!! But it never happened.....

   I'd like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to those in America who still have faith in, and who resoundingly support Hillary Clinton. I applaud all 3 of yall :)

   For some reason the "Samsung Galaxy Note 7" has become the preferred phone of terrorists.

   Hillary couldn't even establish a "No Fly Zone" on her face!!

   Corn mazes would be a lot more fun if they would start earlier in the growing season and make it an "All you can eat" corn-on-the-cob-fest

   I didn't realize that the circus stayed in town so long. Also I thought there was more to it than a clown and a freaky old lady. When does it leave?

   So, one candidate wants to fix an economy that made him a billionaire while the other supports killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers...

   A coworker stopped by to inform me she had lost 30 pounds. As I watched her walk away I realize I had just found the 30 pounds.

   if you had one chance, one opportunity, to eat warm regurgitated food or fresh dog po0, what will you take? Hilarious or Dumph?

   Top 5 Fears: 1) Snakes. 2) Tornados. 3) Avalanches. 4) Spiders. 5) A baby not high fiving me back.

   Birth control pills should come in Pez dispensers that feature a tiny baby head crying on top.

   Donald Trump has no political experience. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management position at Chili's.

   The Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss scene except it's me, alone, eating a Hot Pocket over my sink.