Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next year i'm definitely going to do the Haunted Mill run because if you say it with a strong accent it sounds like you're saying "hundred mile run"

   Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...

   If Trump wins I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.

   Hillary's poll numbers are dropping faster than Bill Clinton's pants in an Arkansas trailer park

   Vote Trump and let's get started repairing America.

   The cone of silence. The secret square. The inner circle. Just what the heck is geometry hiding?

   Only 364 more days until Halloween!! I know, I know. I can't wait either.

   Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used

   Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman's mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

   One small step for man... One giant leap for Danny DeVito.

   I have an app the reminds me when my garage door is open. Now if I can get one the reminds me when my fly is...

   Let's face it. If we exist, it means we come from a long line of f**kers.

   If this rotting pumpkin of a man said or did any of this to your wife, mother, daughter you'd do all you could to stop him, right? #Vote

   How the heck did America get to the point where Congress can actually issue a Subpoena for Records and then when they get them turn around and destroy those records?

   "The Statue of Liberty just turned 130 last Friday. When France first gave her to us, it was the one time that France didn't retreat..

   I have all this candy left at our apartment now. This morning, I had a Skittles and Butter Fingers omelet.

   Ok browns fans, lets put the "laughter" back into "manslaughter"

   I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you an idiot. I really thought you already knew.

   If you want to know who really rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip cookies are the main reason I have serious trust issues.