life Funny Status Messages

   For the first time in my life, I did not welcome The Weekend.

   I don’t need the Government to run my life. I can screw it up all by myself.

   My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

   I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.

   I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

   AMAN: Well son...If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to put the milk back into a refrigerator, Then yes, I suggest marriage.

   A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   if life was real, how come you’ve never seen your neighbours bring in their groceries??

   I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.

   Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

   Fauci spent 50 years of his life studying viruses, just so he could trick rednecks into wearing paper masks. That was his career goal all along. Don't believe anything else.

   Those who want the minimum wage set to $15 an hour; calling it a living wage are clueless. How about a living education? If you're 30 and making fries for a living, don't expect me to subsidize your poor life choices.

   My dating life has been so bad since the coronavirus I asked my Alexa if she could be my girlfriend who said no I like you but only as friends.

   Life is like a helicopter... I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

   The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

   All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life.

   Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

   I was on the phone earlier with a friend in upstate New York. We touched on the weather. She said, "It's wet, gloomy and mostly in the 40's. I said that sounds like my sƐx life.

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."