Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.

   Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.

   I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   My boyfriend and I broke up, but at least we'll still be cousins.

   What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?

   Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.

   [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?

   I'm SO looking forward to Disney's new Brazilian Wax theme park. Yes, I'm talking about EPTWAT.

   Repaired a vacuum cleaner today. It was easy, I just stuck one of Hillary bumper stickers on it.. Now it sucks just fine. . .

   I want to set the record straight.....I thought the cop was a prostitute!!!!...lol

   Apparently grabbing your girlfriends boob, flattening it with your hands and yelling Surprise Mammogram isn't as fun for women than it is for men .

   You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.

   Made a phone call to a young start up company. During the recording of how to reach certain parties, it asked me to follow the extension by pressing the "hashtag" button. I don't think this company will last.

   I only enjoy making friends in non election years.

   The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.