Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.

   I'm just here to finish my community service hours.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   Someone asked me what is there to look forward to in life after becoming a grandfather. I said, "Smelling like mothballs."

   Can't wait to see what all the funny stuff will be come next week at this time, it has to gottten better.

   Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

   Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.

   The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.

   If you can't identify the 80s movie by the opening song's electric keyboard, we probably can't be friends.

   People always slam elevator music and that's very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.

   Wish someone would have told me that the Heimlich Maneuver is for choking victims, not sexual partners.

   Prefers a scientific approach to parenting that allows natural selection to run its course if the kids fail to solve the local Escape Room.

   If the warehouse store is surrounded by barbed wire the prices are usually excellent.

   Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".

   70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.

   Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

   Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket.

   Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.

   ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.

   My stomach hurts. Maybe this giant bag of Skittles will help...