Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1097 of 6446

Can't wait to see what all the funny stuff will be come next week at this time, it has to gottten better.
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11-04-2016 07:10
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Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.
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11-04-2016 05:26
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The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.
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11-04-2016 05:25
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If you can't identify the 80s movie by the opening song's electric keyboard, we probably can't be friends.
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11-04-2016 05:24
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People always slam elevator music and that's very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.
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11-04-2016 05:24
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Wish someone would have told me that the Heimlich Maneuver is for choking victims, not sexual partners.
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11-04-2016 05:23
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Prefers a scientific approach to parenting that allows natural selection to run its course if the kids fail to solve the local Escape Room.
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11-04-2016 05:22
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If the warehouse store is surrounded by barbed wire the prices are usually excellent.
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11-04-2016 05:21
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Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".
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11-04-2016 05:19
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70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
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11-04-2016 05:19
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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11-04-2016 05:17
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Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket.
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11-04-2016 05:17
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Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.
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11-04-2016 05:16
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ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.
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11-04-2016 05:15
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My stomach hurts. Maybe this giant bag of Skittles will help...
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11-04-2016 05:14
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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11-04-2016 05:13
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You're not a serious fashionista until you break a toe in new sexy high heels for the sake of your craft.
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11-04-2016 05:12
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Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
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11-04-2016 05:11
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I have friends I would take a bullet for and friends I'm reserving a bullet for.
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11-04-2016 05:11
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