Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chris Brown allegedly pulled a gun on a woman. I'm shocked because he said he was sorry when he beat up Rihanna.

   Not only would I vote taco trucks on every corner, I'd vote for one in my living room.

   A lot of women love the "bad boy" mentality, so today I wore tennis shoes but had no intention of playing tennis.

   If I were a dwarf, I’d be Gassy.

   Donald Trump's father's favorite song was "This Land is my Land, This Land is my Land."

   Melania Trump suing a newspaper and a blogger for $150 million over allegations she was a hooker means her pimp would get 90% of that money.

   Canadians have their own Alcoholic program..........Eh Eh

   Absolutely need to work on my social skills. To avoid sitting in a restaurant, I just called in a pickup order from the parking lot.

   Why can't journeys ever be fraught with pizza?

   Every time a fat girl posts a picture of herself on Facebook with two skinny girls it always looks like a Wilson Phillips album cover.

   Even Donald Trump's previous marriages lasted longer than Brock Turner's prison sentence.

   Trapped at work with nothing to do and no internet/bad phone reception. Realizing how boring my own thoughts are.

   911: Sir, I understand you think it was an aggressive move, and against your will,,, but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet.... Me: BUT I WASN'T READY

   [Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election].. I dare you to build that wall, you son of a b**

   "It didn't make him stronger" - My gravestone, prolly..

   Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.

   There is no way Hollywood could remake "The Ring" for millennials,,, because none of them would answer the phone.

   For the next week, out of great love and respect, I'm calling my willy Wonka.

   You know Samsung has a problem when they include a "my phone battery exploded" emoji in their messaging service.

   Gonna write something about All Lives Matter but I suddenly saw Jared Fogle trending again.