Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   My boyfriend and I broke up, but at least we'll still be cousins.

   What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?

   Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.

   [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?

   I'm SO looking forward to Disney's new Brazilian Wax theme park. Yes, I'm talking about EPTWAT.

   Repaired a vacuum cleaner today. It was easy, I just stuck one of Hillary bumper stickers on it.. Now it sucks just fine. . .

   I want to set the record straight.....I thought the cop was a prostitute!!!!...lol

   Apparently grabbing your girlfriends boob, flattening it with your hands and yelling Surprise Mammogram isn't as fun for women than it is for men .

   You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.

   Made a phone call to a young start up company. During the recording of how to reach certain parties, it asked me to follow the extension by pressing the "hashtag" button. I don't think this company will last.

   I only enjoy making friends in non election years.

   The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.

   I'm just here to finish my community service hours.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   Someone asked me what is there to look forward to in life after becoming a grandfather. I said, "Smelling like mothballs."