Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   Mike Pence shouldn't get so upset that some Democr@ts booed him at the theater. After all don't forget that Democr@ts loudly booed G0D at the DNC convention on Sept 5th 2012.

   My Gf .. It's all waxed, polished and ready for tonight....now for the car

   2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics..

   Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?

   So rude of the Hamilton folks to boo Mike Pence, they should've kept it classy and picked out a disabled person in the crowd to make fun of.

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   I'm trying to figure out if those anti Trump Safety Pin wearing folks are also NRA advocates since Walter Hunt the inventor of the Safety Pin also invented the Multi Shot Repeating Rifle.

   don't have phone sex, you might get hearing aides..

   Nothing says "HI I'M GUILTY BUT I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY MY WAY OUT" like settling your rape case for $850,000

   I like this mannequin challenge. It gets idiots to shut the hell up for a minute.

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: After the umbilical cord has been cut,, a nurse spanks the baby for being uninsured.

   BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.

   My dad's decided to NOT move to Canada,,, He says he's "Angry",,, but not, "Learn the Metric System" angry..

   If Batman and Catwoman had a baby, would it be Batcat, or Manwoman?

   My morning pooh would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of on my way to work

   One of the crappiest jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..

   Each mile you run adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 80 you can spend an extra 6 months in a nursing home at $10,000 per month.

   I'm almost positive that just before I get to Wallys some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping