Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   Apparently I am turned on when me boss wears a short skirt. I found that out the hard way.

   I have a painful bulging vein on my thigh. It's an overactive thigh-roid.

   So, if a $3.50 cheeseburger has 350 calories, 2 of them for $5 only has 500 calories, right?

   My grandfather just told me hisjoints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

   Which one of the Ten Commandments says: Thou Shalt Not Eat Meat On Friday?

   Health becomes the main issue of the presidential election in a country that does not offer it to its citizens. This is...sick.

   Don’t be intimidated by other people’s opinions. Only mediocrity is sure of itself, so take risks and do what you really want to do

   Farmer plows the field. Farmer doesn't even stay for breakfast, stops returning the field's calls.

   Guess what my doctor said I'm physically fit to become the next president of the United States!

   Just hope that one day I'll have an infectious disease named after me.

   BREAKING: Ryan Lochte brutally attacked at gunpoint and forced to dance Foxtrot in front of national TV audience.

   On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?

   Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

   These medical letters seem pretty legit. Every physical I ever got had the standard line "healthy and fit to serve as president"....

   I hate when I have to fake my own death to get out of a family function.