Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

   Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

   wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair

   You just don’t see people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....

   I'm the reason Waldo is hiding

   TAMPAX is keeping their jobs in America now, too! Trump really must have had to pull some strings to keep them here!

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   I can't stand all these 'Stand with Standing Rock' Facebook post anymore

   I called a crematory to make an appointment, they told me they don't do live customers...

   Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?

   What is the biggest city in America ? Obesity.

   I don't go on Twitter a lot, does 'tweets' mean "political p!ssing and moaning from all sides", and what happened to the - Funny ??

   Felt good to get back to work after the long holiday and get back to my regular pooping schedule.

   ¡¡¡¡ǝʞɐʇsıɯ ʎq pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ ɐ ʇɥƃnoq ı dlǝɥ

   Wow, Donald Trump brought the unemployment rate down to 4.6% just by being elected.....

   Just for fun I am going to order a Santa Sleigh on Amazon on Christmas Eve and have it delivered by their drone.

   Nothing ruins a Friday quicker than having to work the weekend. too.

   Lately I've been walking into rooms clapping my hands like Donald Trump for no reason.......