Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.

   Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

   The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

   do you think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

   It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

   Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

   Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

   I’m not so much 50 as I am 5 10-year-olds held together by ibuprofen, Ben-Gay, and weed resin.

   Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

   I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

   "I didn't say I was going to Taiwan. I said I was going to 'tie one on'." -Nancy Pelosi

   Not seeing a single action figure at the adult toy store.

   When someone is telling a sad story and crying, how long should you wait before taking a bite of your corndog?

   Got up at 5am, 8 mile run completed, made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast…. Can’t remember the rest of the dream.

   Establish dominance by asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

   I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.

   When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

   Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

   My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

   My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.