Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

   They should switch the premise of The Amazing Race and make it about Caucasians.

   What I've learned from many years of driving: People who drive faster than me are obnoxious and people who drive slower than me are stupid.

   I’d like to be the first to wish you all a very merry Christmas

   If sports were board games, The NHL would be Chess, the NBA would be Checkers, MLB would be Trivial Pursuit and the NHL would be Candyland.

   Inuendo - what else, but an Italian name for Preparation H.

   An optimistic thinks that this is the best World to live in. A pessimistic knows that this is true. (29)

   I think people who get really offended by things they read on the Internet are probably the same people that take minigolf really seriously

   A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: - Jane ate her friend's sandwich. - Jane ate her friend's colon.

   it too much to ask that they let me know I typed my password incorrectly BEFORE I click on all the pictures that have sidewalks?

   Gonorrhea would have been a great name for an anti-diarrhea medicine.

   When the China balloon was flying across the country, the Government should have used planes and jets to send it to the Seattle space needle

   A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

   Just heard that Lady Gaga will be performing a concert in outer space this summer. I think it's really sweet of her to do a concert right in her own hometown.

   I broke up with my girlfriend. She had leprosy. I got tired of picking up after her.

   Today I took a good long honest look in the mirror and I did not like what I saw. (No I'm not feeling guilty about anything, I just look like crap.)

   I wish TG women could get periods. Then this silliness would end in 28 days.

   Fast Food drive thru's need a 3rd window, so you can trade in all the wrong items they gave you at the 2nd window.

   Female bodybuilders are tight, cut, buff, toned and defined. With the face of a man.

   Could someone direct me tothe better states message board