Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WikiLeaks has a whole new meaning today.

   I have good news I passed my Stress Test the other day....I guess that means I officially have Stress !!!!

   Apparently the Russians also have very compromising material on Trump which they are ready to release if Trump decides not to play ball with Putin.

   Obama's Farewell Speech...You had me at goodbye!

   i rather watch grass grow in winter then watch farewell. Bye obama

   Due to slow sales, Apple CEO Tim Cook has been given a 15 percent pay cut. Or as Cook is spinning it, he’s coming out with a thinner more lightweight wallet.

   So...this new show called The Wall. Is this what Donald Trump was talking about the whole time? Advertising an hour long game show about Plinko?

   I’m hoping the Russians will hack Obama’s Farewell telecast tonight.

   [date night].. Waiter: How is everything?... Me: *whispers... Waiter: Sir?.... Wife: *sigh,, He says his carrots are touching his peas.

   I'm finally opening my Christmas gifts. I have to hand it to my family, when you talk about recycling, they define the term. The boxes are old. I mean boxes with Christmas Seals on them from 1957 and held t

   Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

   I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack. It got really warm though so I put it back in the fridge..

   African dictators have been filling government positions with their family and friends for years. It's about time America caught up.

   Only serial killers pour milk before the cereal.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine.

   I bought my dog his own cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   Chinese food to go: $16.80. Gas to go pick it up: $1.60. Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.

   "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. It was about the journey." -Buddhist GPS