Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found out they sell universal remotes at Wal-mart. Wow! For just $9.95 I can control the whole universe!

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   If you're looking for a good Trump pee joke, Urine Luck

   The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters. So Trump can’t tweet it.

   Let me get this straight... People who believed President Obama was born in Kenya and that there would be FEMA camps, and that Hillary ran a child sex ring from a pizza joint.... are SKEPTICAL of US intelligence.

   I don't always floss, but when I do it's in the dentist's office when the hygienist does it..

   Bae, I got you bae. -Sonny & Cher 2014

   I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

   So she married one of the seven dwarfs But divorced him shortly after when she realised he wasn't actually happy.

   Yup .... Sex with a 50 year old woman is pretty much the same as with a 20 year old with the exception that is has little chance of magically transforming into a child support payment.

   It is in the best interest of the United Sates to have better relations with Russia because Russian women are HOT!!!!

   only close minded individuals talk about politic on social media!

   The Russians are gonna blackmail Trump w/ a "golden showers" tape? Trump must be PISSED!

   Has anyone else considered the romantic possibilities of nachos and naps?

   President Trump should act more presidential. Instead of ignoring reporters, he should do what our current president does, and BANS THEM from the press conferences..

   You can't spell Trump without P.

   Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.

   Just got back from 2037 and there still debating on the nominee Jeff Sessions.

   My 2017 diet is going well. After 10 days of starving myself I've only gained 3 pounds...

   A lion attacks a bull then eats him in just a few minutes. When he is done he lets out a loud roar. while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instatly. The moral of the story? When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut!!