Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

   Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

   If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

   Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you.

   Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

   It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

   We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

   You’re only as good as your last haircut.

   When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

   The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

   Guy: I have Covid. Girl: Oh, you mean a mild cold? Guy: What, I can't milk this? Girl: Um... no.

   Why don't people who drive under the speed limit get ticketed like people who drive over the limit? It says "limit"

   Dear Narcissist, I wish I could find a way to love you as much as you love you.

   Hi. I'm God. I created an adversary named Satan. A big drama where I win anyway. Kinda like having the cheat codes to Mario 3.

   Bucket List #83: I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.

   My #1 home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   Took the Plan-B with a RedBull. Make sure this baby get its wings.

   Oh, the hubris! Confusion now has made his masterpiece!

   I'd rather see someone kneel for the flag, than deal with cIowns who are offended by jokes.

   When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”