Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   having a bad day. the sidewalk tripped me, the wall ran into me and I got hit by a parked car. could my day get any worse? :)

   TSA: Touching, Squeezing, Arresting...

   Dear God, I know you wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, but right now, I wish you didn't trust me so much...

   believes they should change the "maybe" response to event invitations to "yep, unless I get a better offer before then".

   crashing your family dinner on Thursday and bringing along a keg, dancers, a donkey and Cool Whip for the pie!

   GLORY HOLE (post on your buddy's wall)

   Wanna play airport?

   driving out to the family farm for Thanksgiving. But first, a stop at the airport for a quickie.

   TSA reports an huge increase in job applications submitted to the Miami office.

   TSA new tagline: We handle more packages than UPS!

   There are more men than women in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

   I am thankful for the hide feature on FB.

   Today is my Friday, but yesterday was not my Thursday, because that's Thanksgiving and we all know Thanksgiving is in two more days, and tomorrow is not my Saturday, it's just Wednesday. Yesterday was Monday, not just in my world, but everywhere. Don't kn

   driving and texting on his new cell pho......sweet merciful Jesus , He's heading right toward us .....freaking maniac

   I've got Christmas spirit!! I just hung a little Christmas tree air freshener in my car.....ahhhhh smells like the holidays

   If God is my co-pilot, then why do I keep crashing?

   Bristol is following in her mother's footsteps, having no talent and people still root for her!

   Hooked on jenkem!

   Dancing with the Stars, Skating with the Stars, wondering how long before we see Banging with a Porn Star!!

   Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.