Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   believes it's time to celebrate nipples. Without them, boobies would be pointless!

   brought my date a footlong sub thinking it would score me major points, but apparently I went to the wrong jared . . .

   Monday Meeting Autopilot: Shake hands...Good to see you...Squint at pie charts...Nod head...Fake chuckle at the jokes...Suppress yawn...Thank you...and Clap when the 3 hour anguish ends...

   heard on the news that Justin Bieber won like 2 million awards last night but he's only sold 4 CDs. wtf?

   General Motors is poised to become “the success story” of the recession. GM said it wants to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota's brakes, Toyota's steering, and Toyota's accelerators!

   If someone showed me Black Eye Peas AMA performance back in 1990 and said this is what music is going to look like in 20 years I think I would of barfed.

   People when referring to a celebrating a holiday say "it only comes once a year". Well, so does every other day. Like, "Hey, its November 22nd! That only comes once a year.

   ...nice mouth on that Palin kid: I know somebody who needs to buy a new keyboard 'cuz the S, T, F, and you are completely worn out!!

   just noticed that one of his neighbors has changed the name of their wireless network to "AmishOnly!"

   Justin Bieber takes home Artist of the Year at the American Music Awards...and you wonder why the rest of the world hates us so much...

   A statement on the entrance to a graveyard: This place is full of people who thought that the world can't do without them.

   I asked this asian lady what she wanted to drink. She said: "Aren't you so nice." I said, "Well, thanks! So nothing to drink?" She said: "ORANGE JUICE NO ICE!"

   You know Ive never understood those 1-900 numbers...It seems strange to me to pay to hear a woman's crazy talk on the phone for hours...Im gonna come up with my own 1-900 number where you pay a woman to just be quite for awhile...

   Gravity is a myth,earth sucks.

   Lisa Lampanelli Eva Longoria to divorce Tony Parker over text msgs to other woman. Dude you can delete those things! Even O.J. knew to get rid of the knife!

   Enough with those "He went to Jared

   so I guess it's officially ok now, when you use a condom, to refer to it as "the pope hat"

   I'm a little bit hungry. I could eat a pony

   You're going to listen to what I play and fuggin like it........ Signed Pandora

   You know why Asian couples can't have there own Caucasian baby?? Because 2 wongs don't make a white.