Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

   Look ladies, I'm not a player. I'm just active participant. :0)

   Please, write your comments down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

   With Thanksgiving coming up..this year I thought I'd try something new, so my friend took me turkey hunting and I shot one! We had a ball but sure scared Hell out of everyone in the frozen food department!

   A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again

   I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

   SKY news: 'parachute team die in plane crash'. Couldn't they just have jumped out?

   Finally ALLOWED to use the computer. My dog has been on assbook all morning.

   Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is: ‘What is never the answer?

   Man...that is the last time I wash down an Ambien with Nyquil. According to the angry voicemail from my neighbors they were not happy about me dancing naked on my roof singing the ghostbusters theme song in Spanish. I don't even speak Spanish.

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment.

   Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

   I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get them to sign it.

   Girl texts you: What ya doing? You reply: Playing Xbox.. Err I mean lifting weights. Yeah lifting weights.

   Where does steel wool come from?

   Hey did everyone hear that Jeff reed tried to commit suicide? Pretty sad huh? Yeah... He tried to kick the stool out from under himself and missed...LOL!!

   If you think I'm crazy now, try me either WITH alcohol or WITHOUT sedatives

   PMS - (Pre Monday Syndrome)

   I don't think there is anything funny about hitting your funnybone...

   Relationship has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.