Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't wait for Thanksgiving!! No, not because of the meal and football games. Just found out I don't have to sit at "The Kids Table" again this year!!!!

   If you didn't talk to me in High School then don't request to be my friend on Facebook.

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.

   I always bring my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me.

   An awkward morning beats a boring night.

   Have you ever tried breathing out of your mouth and nose at the same time? Are you trying it now?

   When someone says "I'll think about it," they're just trying to get you to stop talking. Also, the answer is "no."

   If only dumb people were smart enough to know how dumb smart people were they wouldn't feel so stupid.

   ...is lying here unable to sleep, thinking about tomorrow when I'll be lying here unable to wake up.

   A woman was in bed with husband's best friend when phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said "That was Jim, but don't worry he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you!

   Once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels like

   No longer wants to be a Vampire driving a Volvo or a Werewolf driving a Volkswagen it's all about a Wizard on a Broomstick.......

   Michele Bachmann pulls so many bogus statistics out of her ass that she has to spend $200 million a day on Preparation H

   I typed my ex's address into my gps and instead of directions the voice said "I don't think you really want to go there"

   building a time machine so I can attend the time travelers convention held last Tuesday.

   I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and kick my own butt!

   floating in a life boat after getting thrown off the ship over a misunderstanding over what the poop deck actually was!

   "If my life had a face.............I would PUNCH it!!"-Greg Thomas

   Note to Self: Singing the theme song to Two and a Half Men while watching it, fun and acceptable. Singing it while in the showers at the gym, not so much.

   Captain's log, stardate 41358.2. I am nailed to the hull.