Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch "Airplane" and they'll say, "I can't believe they used to just let people get on planes"

   What happens in an exam : Tik tok , Mind block , Pen stop , Eye pop , Full shock , Jaw drop , Time up , No Luck

   Don't you hate it when people start a whole conversation off you're status? C'mon guys, get a WALL!"

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."

   It's tough to judge nonverbal cues from someone with an eyepatch. Did that pirate just wink at me or are they blinking?"

   Nothing's more satisfying than when "the one that got away" turns into "whew, dodged that bullet."

   ‎I don't remember anything from last night. Somebody must've put something in my drink". Yeah. If this was a game of Clue I'd have to go with "the bartender, In the club, with the vodka."

   if I sneeze and you're sitting next to me, it is acceptable to bless me. If I sneeze and you're 50 feet across the room from me, no need to shout at me unless you're the pope."

   is it just me, or are 80% of the faces in the "people you may know feature" on Facebook, people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

   if Winter was alive, I would hunt it down and kill it..."

   found out that if you play a Justin Beiber album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Bieber...

   Nobody loved poor Rudolph, until his birth defect served a purpose...nice story for the kids

   We need to quit worrying about small pox, and start worrying about big pox

   If things aren't going right, go left

   Macaroni would be nothing if it weren't for cheese. Cheese, on the other hand, doesn't need macaroni to stay pimp. I think we all know who wears the pants in the macaroni and cheese relationship.

   CoD...... Keeping teenage pregnancy down, since 2003.\

   Today, no one wished me a happy birthday. I'm not suprised, today isn't my birthday

   I'm Your Huckleberry

   was looking for a date on Craigs list only to find out that "420 friendly" did not stand for maximum weight limit.

   I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake.