Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone asks you if these jeans make their butt look big...apparently "I don't know let me jog around back there and take a look" is the response you should give if you want things thrown at your head...

   TSA Pat Downs. Stealing the Mile High Club's thunder since 2010.

   Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.

   Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

   Facebook should just change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?" ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   Jimmy Kimmel has declared today "National UnFriend Day." Don't forget to UnFriend some non-friends today. Then tell your real friends how much you appreciate them!

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   Booked into a hotel and as a man of God I said "Right young man, I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." The receptionist said "No, it's just normal porn you sick f*ck."

   I have been invited to a premature ejaculation society annual dinner.I asked about the dress code and they said "Just come in your pants."

   If I wanted to talk to you, I would have called you first

   A reporter asked Philadelphia Eagles QB Micheal Vick what the biggest difference is between prison and the NFL. He replied, "In the NFL, I only have 11 guys I have to run away from that's trying to get my ass."

   Until you called me I couldn't remember the last time I wanted somebody's fingers to break so badly.

   Don't hate me because I'm beautiful hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

   a little upset about this potential ban on four loko. Aren't they aware that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?

   - Awesome high speed chase on FoxNews ending with the guy ramming the back of a tanker truck carrying Orange Juice. Anyone else find it ironic that O.J. actually STOPPED a high speed chase????

   After several years I finaly saw the whole picture ... Damn you A.J. and Nick, you ruined the growing potential of the Backstreet Boys !! :p

   I wonder if its possible to actually get a girl's number when you say "what yo name is girl, what yo name is" Either I'm gonna get slapped or we could go cash our welfare checks together.

   Warning, Taking this medicine with alcohol may cause you to loose consciousness....Probably should have read that two hours ago

   According to scientists drinking one can of four loko is like drinking 4 beers, 2 red bulls, a small taco, a ghost and a park bench.

   Maybe the TSA is just offering prostate screenings as part of Obama's healthcare reform???