Funny Status Messages

   TURKEY - Coming soon to a table near you.

   I just want to be held.....against my will.....by a tribe of sex crazed amazon women.

   whats BROWN and Rhymes with Snoop???? Dr. Dre

   I always knows the right thing to say, immediately after the right time to say it has passed.

   I was at Mcdonalds today when a rather large woman served me , when she finally gave me my order she said "sorry about the wait" and I said "Don't worry sweetheart , you'll lose it eventually"

   a lady insisted to sit near the window on the train to take a nap. She said she needed her beauty sleep. I told her sorry but the train isn't going that far

   I don't care what the law say, if you poke me and you're not my friend, it's rape.

   ‎"Kate Middleton will be the first commoner to marry an heir to the throne in 350 years"........ So now we all know how often royalty can go without adding any beauty genes into their pool!

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   Holy Cow! Michael Vick just scored again!

   I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

   Based on the seemingly random things my autocorrect suggests I sometimes wonder if it is trying to communicate with me.

   If there's even a scrap of paper in a shopping cart, I pass on it. I came here for grocery, not scabies.

   I always know the right thing to say immediately AFTER the right time to say it has passed!

   If cigarettes are required to have graphic warning labels, beer manufacturers should have to warn drinkers of possible sex with ugly people...

   likes to sit in the pharmacy on my phone talking about how I have a contagious rash on 90% of my body and the Dr. can't find a medicine that works!

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, Don't tell me what to do.

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons

   a computer allows you to make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila

   Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy