Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   everybody always says, "say no to drugs," but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

   heard that the new GW Bush book is a pop-up picture book. Makes sense actually, an author always wants to meet the demographic/target audience.

   the awkward moment when an emo orders a happy meal at mcdonalds

   Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

   my freedom, bless yours. Today, tomorrow and always.

   You know those packets that come in beef jerky to keep it fresh? I just ate one... And it wasnt half bad..

   Life is too short to care about being skinny. I LOVE FOOD. Plus, there's plenty of time to be skinny when I'm dead.:-)

   A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers

   Many people are not smart enough to understand their own stupidity

   There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife.

   Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.

   We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm. Thanks to all who served and are still serving our nation.

   Bald people shouldn't wear polo neck jumpers. They just end up looking like a roll-on deodorant

   New Kids on the Block teaming up with Backsteet Boys? Um, I'll take crappy singing groups that were relevant 20 years ago Alex.

   Obama went to India, Indonesia, South Korea... and still hasn't found the birth certificate??

   "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." ~ Nathan Hale

   Slayed so many dragons, and still no damn princess.

   Student + dying = studying

   Wow, Christmas parties invitations are starting to arrive... grrrr... shut up liver!

   you're only real job as a father is to keep your daughter off the pole