Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering where the white goes when the snow melts.

   Wade: I just got your email...it says I'm fired...oh don't worry about that...I get unlimited emails..

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ Friday!! just say'in :))

   WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than you actually are.

   DEFENITION: Jagermeister - Irreversable decisions in a bottle.

   "Dont I know you from somewhere?" = The absolute worst thing to say to someone who is robbing you at gunpoint...

   Why does the news always tell you about the "fun" massage parlors AFTER they're being shut down for prostitution? Dangit!

   So let me get this right, I cant legally smoke marajuana, yet I can go to my local gun store and buy a Semi Automatic Machine Gun, a couple of grenades and all the ammo I want? Now who's the one that's been smoking something here?"

   All right, let's solve this once and for all. It was ME who pushed Humpty Dumpty, I also took Little Bo Peeps sheep for ransom, I was the one who let the dogs out and stole the cookies from the cookie jar. So there!!"

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear."

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history."

   wtf? why is Obama meeting with Indians? Thanksgiving is still 3 weeks away!

   Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.

   Keeping secrets can kill you. And let's just keep that between us.

   chick, I wouldn't even poke you with Facebook

   With the rise in social networking which we all enjoy, there is a crucial need for someone to invent and standardise a sarcasm font.

   "Lol" is not a message worth replying to.

   if being apathetic is wrong, then I don't care...

   In general, girls don't like to be described as “beefy”. Even if you love beef.

   The McRib is made of the same fat they injected in Joan Rivers lips.