Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chills and they're multiplying

   Day after Halloween party at my place for the ladies. Come to my house in a hot sexy costume for tricks or treats or both. ;0)

   Stans' Rule #39: When showering at a guest house and your not 100% sure about the towel, DON'T dry your face. Doing so may lead to resentful feelings of said guest!

   I was going to post about being paranoid, but I'm afraid that will lead them straight to me!

   the most humiliating walk of shame includes a Halloween costume...smile

   my wife cant wrestle but you should see her box.

   theres no I in gangbang

   wants to open a combination Spanish and Italian restaurant and call it "Que Pasta"

   I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I'd have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

   You can't choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.

   Jerry springer say's, "The difference between his guests and politicians are the number of their teeth."

   Prank idea: Pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell "Get away from my bidet!"

   Next stop... THANKSGIVING! Stand clear of the food and cold please!

   When can we expect Randy Moss to ask Randy Moss how Randy Moss feels about being waived?....

   not responsible for LMAO's that actually cause your ass to fall off. Or LOL's that cause you being arrested for laughing too loud. Or people that are "dying laughing." I am not responsible for funeral fees. With that being said, enjoy my wall.

   wondering why a whole damn airplane isn't made out of the same material as the undestroyable black box?

   was born cool, but global warming made me hot!

   learned something today: when a homeless man is blocking an entire stairwell, vigorously fiddling with his crotch, it is in everyone's best interest that he simply be left alone.

   Why did the little girl blush when she opened the fridge?...She saw the salad dressing!!

   You guys want further proof there is no God? Justin Beiber is starring in his own movie about himself. Called Justin Beiber Never say never... IN 3D!!!!!! wish I was lying...