Funny Status Messages

   Bag of apples check,Bag of caramel check, Pumpkin check, Pack of razorblades check ,The look of concern on the cashiers face at walmart PRICELESS!!!

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   I love how bouillon cubes come in bright shiney yellow (chicken flavored) and red (Beef flavored) packages, I am set for halloween trickery.

   I like using big words to sounds smart: utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."

   I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   You should consider buying a new car when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole.

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   Tornados in the North Texas area are very likely this afternoon. Meteorologists are urging the public to gather in the Dallas Cowboys Stadium where no touchdowns are possible this season!

   internet is the only place where men are men, women are men, and 13 years old girls are FBI agents.

   Religion is a bit like porn: You know deep down it's all lies but you still buy it. It's a multi-billion dollar industry making a few people very rich. It distorts reality, inciting desires it never satisfies. AND the scripts it's based on are always sh*t

   Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

   Any intelligent man who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.

   What is the scariest part of halloween? Giving away all you Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!

   I saw some bright orange splatter on the drive home from DC....it was either a smashed pumpkin, or John Boehner--either way I assumed it was worthless and wasn't stopping

   Jesus turned water into wine!..ok..I can turn my whole paycheck into beer BAH!!!...your turn Jesus.

   I'm tired of the Police ruining my fun, they said it's "Illegal" to take up an entire aisle in toy section at Walmart by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

   Many of you have asked what my ex-wife looks like. Just look up in the sky tonight... she's the one on the broom.