Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does the State Hospital have weekend package deals? cause I need a vacation!

   New plan for the weekend: free Charlie Sheen and party with him.

   Step one: admitting you have a problem. Um.....I have a problem... DON't wanna get out of bed.

   Put this as your status if you know someone/are related to someone who suffers from "Put This Iin Your Status Syndrome" or PTIYSS. PTIYSS is a real disorder similar to Farmville that aggrivates the $H!T out of other people and should be taken seriously. T

   Greatest txt msg of the day: Wow, I felt guilty this morning when I woke up after the dream I had about you!

   will just have to find another McDonalds to frequent...... I am sooooo tired of management throwing me out of the ball pit..........

   ‎*SINGLE* is NOT a status. It's a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live & enjoy life without depending on others.

   The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger or a baby

   Wow was that Griswold family driving down the wrong lane into oncoming traffic driving the Wagon Queen Family Truckster on 95 yesterday

   Today is National Oatmeal Day, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, National Cocaine and Strippers Day.

   The Clitaurus is the most mysterious Jurassic-era creature to most male archaeologists.

   "Paranormal Activity 2" - terrifying tale of suburban home that unexpectedly gets possessed by Bank of America.

   Vegan hipsters wear ironic milk mustaches.

   In new tape, Bin Laden 'furious' that Brian Wilson has scarier beard.....

   Feels like tap dancing on someone's face with golf shoes on..

   Have you ever felt completely calm cool and collected? Yeah, me neither.

   How can someone go out to buy groceries and end up in a pub?

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

   I wonder how people would react if I walked in Sea World with a fishing pole?!?

   Men...it's not their fault. You can't give someone two heads and expect them to think straight.