Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   shopping for halloween costumes with Tera Patrick.

   wants to change out the sound of her car horn for gun fire. I mean, who has an urge to blow a trumpet when you get road rage anyhow?

   Talking Sh1t is harder now with Google out there.

   Ever show someone how to do something and then instantly regret that you ever did?

   the 93% of people who will NOT re-post this as my status (all chain-status updates)

   The rent is too damn high!!!!!

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   Finally clocking out! I'm off like a prom dress!

   9 words to live by... IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE OFFICER ;)

   Being a TV writer for CSI: Miami would be the best. You would never get rejected. "Your script is over-the-top and and makes no sense. We love it!"

   I would like to high-five the first person who convinced their mom that peanut butter and jelly is not a dessert food, but a delicious and nutritious meal.

   I don't like that Google's Instant Search counts every letter I type as a new search, mostly because I searched for "criminal analysis" and now Google has a record of me searching for "criminal anal."

   watchin' the Fall leaves dance in the wind..... Hopefully, their Waltz will end up in the neighbor's yard! : )~

   It's a total mood killer when you go in the bathroom after your girlfriend and realize she forgot to flush!

   give us back Heath Ledger in replacement for the whole cast of the Twilight Series and Justin Beiber.... Fair trade?

   Sony announces it will no longer make Walkman cassette players. In other news, Sony was still making Walkman cassette players?

   Ever wonder how that one single black hair got all the way up there on your shower wall?

   Sometimes I hear music so bad that I think the government should also enforce a five-day waiting period for buying a guitar.

   "Ugh. I'm never, ever drinking again." - Person who will drink again (starting either tomorrow or the next day)

   gotta love it when 75% of commercials are political ads. I find it odd that I'm actually looking forward to when commercials are 100% commercials again.