Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there's nothing like leaving king kong's finger in the local service station's toilet ......

   I once dated a girl who's right leg was slightly longer than her left....I really do miss Eileen.

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook"No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   Accidentally clicking the "Like" button while you're Facebook stalking is like accidentally setting off a flare while practicing guerrilla warfare.

   I've got bieber fever!!!! Whenever I hear his name or music I get a fever, headache, nausea

   NOTE TO SELF: Buy most Post-Its. You're all out.

   a supporter of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party"!

   It's amazing how you can smell so bad, an still be alive.. .

   You know its trouble when your farts pass warm....

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key....

   I'm sorry Baby, that's gravity. I can't help it that I'm physically attracted to you

   "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   Great....you discovered youtube. Now, can you quit flooding the newsfeed with the 200 videos you wish to share!!!

   If I have a erection lasting 4 hours i'm not calling a doctor...I'm calling a film crew!

   Did anyone notice something about Kanye West this week? Yeah, the fool replaced his bottom teeth with diamonds. DIAMONDS. So instead of a loud-mouth retard, he's a loud-mouth retard that sparkles.

   Yo Kanye, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you finish, but Lil Jon has one of the best grills of all time. One of the best grills of all time!

   so really..what was Meatloaf talking about when he sang he'll do anything for love, but he wont do that?

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween and handed out candy..........

   Confucius say, "Elevator smell different to midget."

   homework: this is your last warning, if you keep coming here I'm filing a restraint order